Apricot & Stilton Biscuits

My brain is a very weird place. I dream very vividly, always have. During one of my more bizarre headfuck dreams last night, I apparently found the desire to bake apricot and Stilton biscuits. The British kind, not the odd American kind that seem to be scones under another name. This was a total guess experiment, and I love combining sweet with savoury so here’s what happened.

There were six, but I ate one so then there were five.

Shit you’ll need:

  • 1cup plain flour.
  • 1tsp salt.
  • 1tsp cracked black pepper.
  • 1tsp garlic powder.
  • Half tsp bicarbonate of soda or baking powder.
  • 1 large egg or equivalent in egg replacer (I used egg replacer).
  • 3/4cup of oil – I used 50/50 olive oil and vegetable oil.
  • One massive dollop of apricot jam about 2tblspns.
  • 100g Stilton cheese, crumbled.

Combine all your dry ingredients, making sure they’re properly mingled otherwise everything will be upset. We simply cannot have improperly mingled dry ingredients. Drizzle your oil in a bit at a time until the mixture starts to stick and go a bit breadcrumb-y. If you’re using an egg and not egg replacer, add it now.

Dump your dollop of apricot jam into the mix, and crumbled Stilton. I used to fork to mash it all together until it turned into a stiff (childish laughter) dough.

Six on me well used baking tray.

Scoop and press lumps of dough into a lined baking tray, making sure you use a bit of oil to grease. Bake for fifteen to eighteen minutes until golden brown, in the centre of an oven on a medium heat. Mine were ready in fifteen because I have one of those fan assisted contraptions.

They’re great for just shoving in yer gob, or eating with soup or stew instead of bread. This will yield twelve, but I only have a small baking tray so I had to bake them in two batches.

Apple & Stilton Soup 🍎 🥣

This one is absolutely bursting with flavour. It’s a favourite, and with the dreadful festering (festive) season coming upon us (not a fan) Stilton comes out even more than usual in the shops. The ONLY things about this time of year I actually like, are the cold weather, and the cheese I can get.

Yes I know it looks like a shit-heap. It won’t taste like one though.

Shit you’ll need:

  • Three apples, chopped and cored.
  • 150g Stilton cheese. Saint Agur is also fine if you can’t get Stilton.
  • 1tsp salt.
  • 1dstspn cracked black pepper.
  • 1tsp basil.
  • 1tsp oregano.
  • 500ML boiling water.
  • 2tblspns olive oil.
  • 400ML can coconut milk.


Remove their cores and chop into chunks, putting them into your slow cooker with the seasoning and herbs. Break the Stilton up, and add it to the mix. Add the olive oil and the water, and heat it up on high for half an hour. After that, add the can of coconut milk, and switch the slow cooker on auto for an hour and a half to two hours. The key is to wait for the apples to soften and melt down a little, as if you were stewing them.

Once they are soft, you can either leave the soup as it is, or shove it in a food processor to smooth it out a bit. Regardless of what you do, it will taste bloody MARVELLOUS.

Mid stewing stage

This makes a good starter soup, but it’s also fine for pigging out on too. I tend to do the latter.

Broccoli, potato & Stilton soup 🥣

This soup is the reason I don’t have an awful lot of room in my freezer right now. I *accidentally made an alarming amount of it, and now it’s EVERYWHERE.


This is very indulgent, but you could make it less so and more healthy if you tweaked the ingredients a bit. I didn’t want to do that, obviously. This recipe makes a very large pan of soup, I have no idea how many litres because I’m clearly a savage who doesn’t know what size my own pans are. Sorry.


  • Three large spuds, UNPEELED. DO NOT PEEL THEM. STOP IT.
  • Two large heads of broccoli OR the equivalent of frozen florets.
  • 150g of Stilton cheese.
  • A bunch of scallions OR one large onion, chopped. My last bunch of scallions contained seven shoots or whatever they’re called.
  • 1dstspn of cracked black pepper, heaped.
  • 1dstspn of garlic purée or equivalent. Fresh garlic or garlic granules are fine, obviously.
  • Salt – to your own taste. Remember Stilton has a decent amount of flavour already.
  • 1ltr of boiling water.
  • 300ml of milk OR single cream depending on how indulgent you want to be.
  • 1tsp corn flour, heaped.
  • 1 squodge of olive oil, or your personal choice of oil for frying.

Chop your unpeeled spuds into chunks, and drop into your litre of boiling water. Let them boil their arses off until they’re soft. Whilst they’re partying in the water (ignore any shrieking), put your garlic, scallions/onions, salt, and black pepper in a shallow pan of your choice, and fry up with your squodge of olive oil. Yes that’s a technical term. I actually put my olive oil in a spray bottle for using whilst frying, because bollocks to paying extra for fancy aerosol oil. Three decent sprays equals ONE SQUODGE. Stir slowly over a medium heat until the onions are just beginning to brown, and then take off the heat. Put to one side.

Mash the softened spuds in the water, and add your broccoli. If you used frozen broccoli, let the mixture heat up again before adding the rest of your ingredients.

Stir the oiled onion/garlic/salt and pepper in with the potatoes and broccoli. Keep stirring it until everything is melted together nicely. Allow to simmer until the broccoli starts to soften and break down. Your potato and their skins should have fallen apart by now, which is exactly what you want. It’s entirely up to you, but at this point you can add your teaspoon of corn flour to a small amount of milk or cold water, and throw into the pan to help things thicken nicely.

When your broccoli has reached optimum squish point (another technical term), mash the contents of the pan a bit more. The skins from the potato and the black pepper should give it a lovely pale colour. This is when grab your Stilton wedge, and crumble it into the pan a bit at a time. Allow to melt for a minute or two.

Pour and stir in your milk or cream. This part is totally optional if you don’t want a heavy creamy soup, but I always do, so in it goes.

I can’t always stand with the soup for the time I like it to simmer for (stupid joint/back fuckery), so I tend to put my oven on before I start the whole process, and then shove my pan in there for an hour on a low heat, so I can sit down and recharge. If you CAN stand with it, it’ll only need about half an hour on a medium heat before it’s ready to slurp in yer gob. Either choice means it thickens up nicely and your kitchen will smell fucking fantastic.

When it’s ready, serve with a bread of your choice, or just drink it from the bowl like a heathen. Obviously you can tweak the recipe for different quantities, but you will have plenty of soup using these measurements for days when you aren’t able, or don’t want to cook. I always have a stock of soups in my freezer for when my pain levels are hideous and I can’t stand for long.

*not so much accidentally.