Cream of Potato & Garlic Soup 🥔 🥣

I love this soup. It’s buttery, filling and garlic-y, and the kind of soup you eat with home baked bread rolls loaded with butter.

BUTTERY GLORY

Shit you’ll need:

  • Potatoes, obviously. I used five large ones and I DIDN’T PEEL THEM. Give them a good scrub first though. You can also forgo any peeling or boiling and use instant mash for this.
  • 60g butter, with extra for those who want MOAR.
  • 4 cloves of garlic or powder/purée equivalent.
  • 1tsp salt.
  • 1tsp cracked black pepper.
  • 150ML cream or equivalent.
  • 500ML vegetable stock.
  • A chopped onion.

Chop and fry your onion along with the garlic, salt, pepper, and butter. Whilst you’re faffing about with that, chop your potatoes to size and boil until they’re softened. If you’re using instant mash, you don’t need to do that part.

When the spuds are soft, transfer them to your slow cooker, with the vegetable stock and the contents of the frying pan. Mash them together, and let them do their thing on auto setting for an hour. If you want to add more butter because you don’t value your arteries, then go ahead, it depends on your tastes of course.

After the hour is done, use a hand blender to make it super smooth if it hasn’t done that itself already. Add the cream, and stir the fuck out of it. Serve with warm crusty bread and butter.

Don’t plan on moving after, this will put you into a food coma if you eat a lot with bread.

Apple & Jalapeño Broth 🍎 🌶

I have an abundance of apples at the moment, and a jar of jalapeños. I also have a horrible plague growing inside me, so this is going to be my MAGIC FUCKING POTION.

Shit you’ll need:

  • Some apples. They’re kind of important. I used four.
  • Chopped jalapeños – admittedly mine came in a glass jar pre chopped. I used about a quarter of a jar which is roughly 106g. If you don’t have any you can use dried flaked chillis instead, or some Tabasco sauce.
  • 500ML vegetable stock.
  • 1tsp salt.
  • 1tsp thyme.
  • 1tsp rosemary.
  • 1tsp garlic.
  • A chopped onion.
  • 2tblspns olive oil.

This is designed to bite you in the arse. If you are an absolute masochist, add hotter peppers, but I won’t be doing that because I value my tastebuds.

NO PEELING THE APPLES, unless they’re cooking apples and then you should. Mine aren’t though so I didn’t. Chop them into chunks, and then dump them in your slow cooker along with everything else for a couple of hours on auto.

You sip this from a large mug or bowl. Don’t forget to wash your hands after handling the jalapeños, because if you rub your eyes or any other delicate parts, you’re going to feel like a twat when it smarts a bit.

🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

Curried Banana Soup 🍌 🥣

Not gonna lie. I’ve never made banana soup before. I’ve put banana in vegetable curries before, along with mango and courgette, and it’s worked really well, but not just soup. So here we fucking go..

It doesn’t look like much, BUT BY GODS IT IS FANTASTIC.

Shit you’ll need:

  • Some ripe bananas. I mean this shit isn’t going to work without them. I used four of the buggers.
  • A chopped onion.
  • 500ML vegetable stock.
  • 1tsp salt.
  • 400ML can of coconut milk.
  • 1tsp garlic.
  • 1tsp garam masala.
  • 1tsp turmeric.
  • 2tblspns olive oil.
  • 2tblspns of lemon or lime juice.

You will also need a blender/hand blender/food processor-y whizzy thing. Yes that’s a technical term. Don’t argue.

This is also a bit fiddlier than other sooooooops. You will need to pre fry your onions in the olive oil and seasoning, spices, and your lemon or lime juice. When they have softened and caramelised, peel and chop your bananas. OBVIOUSLY you need to peel them first because well you’re going to look a bit daft if you don’t. Add the chopped bananas to the mix in the frying pan, and let the spices absorb and soften them a little.

Transfer the frying pan contents into your slow cooker, and pour the stock on top. Turn it up to high, and let it heat through until it starts to bubble. Once that happens, shove the contents into your whizzy thing with the coconut milk, and blend until smooth. You can then return it to the slow cooker, and allow it to heat on low until you’re ready for it. This will produce a thick satisfying soup.

Serve with a handful of flaked almonds on top, which are totally optional, duh.

Lentil & Butter Bean Soup 🥣

I have an alarming amount of butter beans in my flat. I don’t mean just lounging around, or free range, they’re just hanging out in my cupboards. I have one can of them left, but most of my reserves are in dry format, they’re just sitting there in plastic film.

Anyway I digress.

You may wish to tweak the amount of chilli and pepper you use in this as it’s got a bit of a kick to it.

Before I added the stock, obviously…

Shit you’ll need:

  • A can of butter beans (400g approx). If you’re using dried ones, they will need to pre soak.
  • 1 cup of lentils. I am using green ones because I don’t have any red ones.
  • A can of coconut milk, 400g.
  • 1tsp flaked chilli.
  • 1tsp salt.
  • 1dstspn cracked black pepper.
  • 1tsp turmeric.
  • A chopped onion.
  • 500ML vegetable stock.
  • 2tblspns olive oil.
  • 1tsp garlic powder.

This is an easy one again. I mean, most of my soups are easy to be fair, but when all you have to do is dump all the stuff in a slow cooker and let it do its thing, that means it’s really fucking easy mate.

So please do exactly that. Now, because you need to let your lentils cook through properly, it’s going to need a couple of hours on auto. Keep your eye on it every half an hour just to make sure nothing sticks, and to stir it a bit. Never neglect your soup, it will be unhappy and we can’t have that.

It can also be served over rice too. That’s what I did the first time I made this.

Sweet Corn & Onion Broth 🌽

Non veggiesaurus folks could add chicken or crabmeat to this if they wanted to, I’m not going to do that obviously. 😛

There IS sweetcorn in there, honest guv’nor.

Shit you’ll need:

  • Two large chopped onions.
  • 500ML boiling water.
  • A large can of sweetcorn (mine was 326g).
  • 1tsp salt.
  • 1tblspn of olive oil.
  • 2 vegetable stock cubes.
  • 1tsp Knorr Aromat seasoning.
  • 1tsp thyme.
  • 1tsp garlic powder.

Everything goes in the slow cooker all at once, on a low heat for two hours. This is made to be sipped carefully from large mugs, or a deep bowl wrapped in a tea towel, and held in your hands.

Don’t spill it down yer front like a twat though. It burns. Trust me on that. 🥴

If you decide to add meat, make sure you cook it through properly before you add it to the broth.