Do It Your Fucking Self Furniture Polish 😎

Silicone furniture polish can really bugger things up. Over time, it leaves a hazy build up on your stuff, and they will end up looking dull and lifeless. Yes I realise lifeless is a bit of a stupid way to describe an inanimate object, but I’m a bit bloody tired right now. 😛

OBSERVE:

I also realise I’ve been a bit lazy and transplanted screenshots from other social media here, but that’s because sometimes too many words are not necessary, and yet, here I sit typing too many words. 🙄

DIY Scouring Cream Cleaner 💦

The best thing about this, is you can use it anywhere in the house.

I’ve tried and tested this many times, and it always leaves stuff shiny as fuck and squeaky clean. It only takes two ingredients, but you can add extra essential oils if you wanna.

Shit you’ll need:

  • One clean SQUEEZY bottle, empty shampoo bottles are great for this (RECYCLE YOU WASTEFUL SHITBAGS!)
  • 1.5 cups of bicarbonate of soda.
  • 3/4 cup of your chosen washing up liquid.
  • A mixing bowl.
  • Some manner of spatula/spoon/whatever for mixing.

If you use washing up liquid that contains tea tree oil and/or eucalyptus, it will already be anti-bacterial by default.

Shove the bicarb in the centre of your bowl, and make a well in it. Slowly drizzle your washing up liquid into the aforementioned well, and combine it until you get a consistency that you’d be able to squeeze from your chosen bottle. If you find it’s too thick, add more washing up liquid. If you are using a plain liquid that doesn’t have any anti-bacterial properties, now would be a good time to add some essential oils if you wish. Ten drops of eucalyptus, tea tree, or grapefruit oils will work well. If you consult your local and hopefully friendly search engine, you will discover a list of oils that are helpful in this regard.

Other scent combinations that are lovely but not anti-bacterial, are lime and mint, or orange and lavender. You can experiment of course, just don’t add too much oil or you’ll make yer eyes water when yer cleaning. Once you’ve got your SQUEEZY WONDER, transfer it into your bottle using a funnel. A little bit of this goes a long way too, so not only is it cheap to make, but it’ll keep you going. My bathroom and kitchen have both been cleaned with this combo, and they were super shiny and squeaky clean. Cream cleaners are always bloody useful to have around. Most of them are cheap enough to buy now, but if you can’t get out to the shops or just don’t want to, you can make this and it’s just as effective and likely better for the environment.

DIY Cloth Pads Budget Style

This is the olllllllld way of doing it. For people who want to use cloth pads each month but can’t afford to buy enough of them to last through their cycles, this is a non glamorous (not that there’s owt glamorous about yer bits being a blood geyser every month) way of mopping up the mess.

I have made and used these myself. I definitely approve of cloth methods, but even though they’re re-usable, I find a lot of the other cloth ones for sale out there are really pricy. People should absolutely be paid for their labour, but sometimes I think some folks are taking the piss. It’s almost like cloth pads are for fancy well off hippies and nobody else.

Get yourself a stack of cotton towelling facecloths. I scoped out eBay and Amazon earlier, and found several listings of twelve cloths for under a tenner. You can also get dirt cheap ones in supermarkets from whatever their basic brand is called.

That’s just a screenshot of an example for ye. Before you use them, and because you don’t know where the cloths have been sitting warehouse wise, it’s best to put them through a 90° wash first. Adding a cup of white vinegar to the washer drawer is also a good idea too.

Now – see the way that one cloth is folded on top? Fold them all like that, so they’re at least shaped like cloth pads. If you are a lucky bastard, you will have a sewing machine and this will take considerably less time. If not, then sorry mate but it’s going to take a little bit of patience. Sew the ends closed, and down the middle where the folds meet. Do this with the rest of your facecloths, and you’ve got a pile of very basic, but incredibly effective cloth pads. If you want to add something to them to secure to your underwear, you can get creative with a few pairs of flat cotton shoelaces. Sew them along each end, and you’ll have something to tie around yer gusset, but then you’ll also have dangly bits! However if you’re a member of the tampon crew, you’ll be used to having dangly bits.

This is how they used to make them before we had disposable sanitary stuff. Me Mum used to tell me she wondered what HER Mum was doing sewing cloths in the same way, until she got her first period and it all became apparent. You treat them as you would towelling nappies; pre soak in a pail (if necessary) and then put through the hottest wash. They’re easy to make and cheap, better for the environment, and much kinder to your purse than expensive cloth pads, and definitely better than disposable ones.

It’s also worth noting that food banks really need sanitary products for people who menstruate, so making a pile of these to donate to food banks to give to someone who might need them (provided they have access to laundry facilities of course), would be helpful.

I, like a lot of other people, end up in so much pain each month that it’s not always possible to use internal methods of mopping this horror up, so these work for me.

Zoflora Kitchen Wipes

Shit you’ll need:

  • One roll of Regina Blitz.
  • A lidded plastic tub.
  • Tap water.
  • Yer chosen Zoflora scent.
  • Scissors.

I thought I’d share this alternative to making wipes – this is not to say it’s better, it’s simply another method. If you’re wondering what the alternative IS, well basically folks have been adding Zoflora to cheap baby wipes which I’ve not tried personally, because this write up is how I’ve been doing it.

Regina Blitz is massssiiiive sheet wise. I love the stuff and use it to make these wipes and also face wipes. Make a pile of RB, cutting each piece in half and stacking it in your plastic tub. Add ONE CAPFUL of Zoflora to roughly half a pint of water. Add it slowly so the wipes are at optimum saturation – you might use a bit less or a bit more depending on how big your pile is. RB is perfect for this because it’s very very strong, and the pieces are much larger than typical kitchen paper.

If you use a full roll of RB, you will get an absolute shitload of wipes because it will go really far. Keep the lid on your tub to make sure they don’t dry out obviously.

That’s yer lot. You can use this method to create any type of wipe – face or baby wipes using appropriate ingredients, multi surface cleaner wipes etc. A splash of neat Flash in the water instead of Zoflora works. DO NOT MIX THEM. You don’t want to accidentally melt your lungs out creating chemical fumes. Yes folks will say that they have been doing it for a while with no issue – but the fact is that chemical toxicity can build over time, and before you know it, you’re wheezing like a forty-year-chain-smoker after attempting to run to the offy before closing time for a packet of cigs.

EASHO – My new favourite household supply website 🛒

I shall preface this with the fact that I haven’t been asked to write this, and probably won’t get promotion for it because as we all know, I’m a foul mouthed gobshite, and as such, it’s unlikely such lovely brands will want be associated with me, but I will still love them regardless.

I definitely tend to buy things in bulk from online vendors when I can, because it means I don’t have to brave the wilds of meat-space shopping, plus it means I save money in the process. Easho are a company that sell things in bulk to the public at wholesale prices, without the need for a special card, or to provide proof of business dealings etc. You can log on, create an account and shop to your heart’s content – it’s fucking fantastic.

🤡 THEY ALSO STOCK ZOFLORA. 🤡

….if you as a vendor stock Zoflora at prices that aren’t extortionate to take advantage of folks like me and our lack of impulse control whilst buying it, then you will have a loyal following forever. Easho do in fact stock it at a really fucking good price, so I was totally sold. I contacted them via twitter recently to ask if they could get their hands on Method, and not soon after they did exactly that. Not ONLY that, but they stocked it at the equivalent of £1.87 for a bottle of 828ml Anti-bac all purpose cleaner, in batches of four. That currently costs £3 per bottle via Ocado, and a whopping £6.54 for the same via Amazon.

As you can imagine, the moment folks found out it was being sold at such a low price, it sold out pretty fucking quickly. I got myself a batch of anti bac, and a batch of all purpose cleaner. Not gonna lie, I was absurdly excited over buying bloody household cleaning items —what the galloping shitfuck is wrong with me?

(Don’t try and answer that, the list is loooooooong).

My order was dispatched within two days. You get free delivery for orders over £55, but your first order is free at checkout if you apply the discount code of ‘FREEDEL.’ Nice sweetener there.

A big thing for me when I order online, is how well something is packaged, and what it’s packaged with. It arrived in a box marked ‘fragile’, and ‘this way up’, although that’s not evident from this photo.

It’s a box mate.

Opening the box I was greeted with this:

EXCELLENT.

I am big fan of recycled packaging.

Andrea knows how to pack the shit out of things.

SCORE! Got some freebies too, one of which I bastardised by throwing in my coffee shortly after.

Trigger spray bottles are notorious for firing off in transit. To prevent this, each bottle was topped with bubble wrap, and rice based packing peanuts were pushed under the triggers for further protection, not pictured here because I was too excited and unwrapped them really quickly. Sorry.

The Zoflora in the featured photo is from an assorted box; linen fresh, twilight garden, tropical twist, and paradise peach were the scents I received. They came boxed, it’s just I’m a filthy heathen and mercilessly stripped them off.

Zoflora in this household is NAKED.

I’ve had a few bad experiences recently with online shops – both online pound shops that do offer good bargains, BUT fail hard when it comes to packing and customer service. Dented boxes turning up way beyond promised delivery windows which shows a poor taste in couriers, and time management, along with such bad packing that items were crushed, burst, and destroyed. Getting responses from customer service for refunds and general enquiries took far too long.

For people who aren’t able to just nip out to a pound shop, these things would be helpful, IF they were properly managed.

Every enquiry I’ve ever made with Easho has been answered in quick time, and has been polite and extremely helpful. They are bloody marvellous, and now my entire flat smells of rhubarb and pink grapefruit, to the point where I’m seriously considering buying some custard to lick off the walls.

FIVE FUCKING STARS FOLKS.