Do It Your Fucking Self Furniture Polish 😎

Silicone furniture polish can really bugger things up. Over time, it leaves a hazy build up on your stuff, and they will end up looking dull and lifeless. Yes I realise lifeless is a bit of a stupid way to describe an inanimate object, but I’m a bit bloody tired right now. 😛

OBSERVE:

I also realise I’ve been a bit lazy and transplanted screenshots from other social media here, but that’s because sometimes too many words are not necessary, and yet, here I sit typing too many words. 🙄

DIY Scouring Cream Cleaner 💦

The best thing about this, is you can use it anywhere in the house.

I’ve tried and tested this many times, and it always leaves stuff shiny as fuck and squeaky clean. It only takes two ingredients, but you can add extra essential oils if you wanna.

Shit you’ll need:

  • One clean SQUEEZY bottle, empty shampoo bottles are great for this (RECYCLE YOU WASTEFUL SHITBAGS!)
  • 1.5 cups of bicarbonate of soda.
  • 3/4 cup of your chosen washing up liquid.
  • A mixing bowl.
  • Some manner of spatula/spoon/whatever for mixing.

If you use washing up liquid that contains tea tree oil and/or eucalyptus, it will already be anti-bacterial by default.

Shove the bicarb in the centre of your bowl, and make a well in it. Slowly drizzle your washing up liquid into the aforementioned well, and combine it until you get a consistency that you’d be able to squeeze from your chosen bottle. If you find it’s too thick, add more washing up liquid. If you are using a plain liquid that doesn’t have any anti-bacterial properties, now would be a good time to add some essential oils if you wish. Ten drops of eucalyptus, tea tree, or grapefruit oils will work well. If you consult your local and hopefully friendly search engine, you will discover a list of oils that are helpful in this regard.

Other scent combinations that are lovely but not anti-bacterial, are lime and mint, or orange and lavender. You can experiment of course, just don’t add too much oil or you’ll make yer eyes water when yer cleaning. Once you’ve got your SQUEEZY WONDER, transfer it into your bottle using a funnel. A little bit of this goes a long way too, so not only is it cheap to make, but it’ll keep you going. My bathroom and kitchen have both been cleaned with this combo, and they were super shiny and squeaky clean. Cream cleaners are always bloody useful to have around. Most of them are cheap enough to buy now, but if you can’t get out to the shops or just don’t want to, you can make this and it’s just as effective and likely better for the environment.

Mushroom and chickpea soup 🍄 🥣

This soup didn’t actually start off as soup. I’d thrown a ton of stuff in my slow cooker the night before, and after realising how good it tasted I thought I’d turn the rest into the aforementioned soup.

It’s cooled right down after that fucking horrible heatwave, so now I can use my slow cooker to create soup experiments to my heart’s content.

Shit you’ll need:

  • A punnet of mushrooms, sliced (300g).
  • A can of chickpeas (400g).
  • 1tsp rosemary.
  • 1tsp basil purée or dried basil.
  • 1tsp salt.
  • 1 vegetable stock cube.
  • 2tsp cracked black pepper.
  • 2tblspns pesto.
  • 1tblsp lime juice.
  • 1tsp garlic purée or powdered garlic.
  • 1tblsp mushroom ketchup.
  • 100g of butter, or equivalent.
  • 1 pint of water.

All you do – is dump the lot into a slow cooker, give it a stir, and let it do its thing on the ‘auto’ setting for a couple of hours. Now, before putting the leftovers of this into the blender for soup, I had the first half with some steamed rice. I don’t have a photo of that, because I was HANGRY, and I was too busy shoving it in me gob. Here’s what it looked like after I whizzed the fuck out of in my blender for two minutes:

Whizzed.

Yes I KNOW it LOOKS like explosive baby poo, but it tastes bloody fantastic I promise you. I put it back in the slow cooker and let it heat up for an hour.

I also roasted some chopped vegetables sprayed with olive oil in the oven to go with it, so here is my obligatory fancy photo with the veg:

FANCY.

You can serve it with whatever you like obviously.

Sometimes you have to cheat a little: vanilla and Nutella cake 🍰🎂

I’m not gonna lie – I’m battling some painful shit right now. Trapped nerve in my shoulder which has fucked my arm up royally, perimenopause which is…’interesting’ to say the least, on top of which I’m living with the wonder that is fibromyalgia, most likely the result of the complex-post-traumatic-stress-disorder I live with. Yes, I realise that sounds depressing as fuck, but I was done with dressing things up for appearances sake a long time ago. Life is too REAL for that.

I decided around 03:00AM that I wanted–no–needed a cake of some description. Unfortunately, my brainmeats really didn’t want to mess around with weighing out the ingredients, especially since the trapped nerve I mentioned earlier has been responsible for me dropping things more than usual. So what do you do when you want a cake, and you don’t want to fuck about with weighing all the shit out?

You cheat a bit.

Yeah I cheated, so fucking what?

89p in an order I made a while ago knowing that I’d definitely use it, so much so that I bought two. Yes, you have to add a few ingredients to make it work, but I didn’t have to weigh anything out. I threw in a little vanilla extract. I added the amount of Nutella in the middle that I thought my pained and hormonal body needed.

The fruits of my hormonal labour..

No, this is not a perfect Instagram photo that makes everyone go “OooOooOooOoooo I NEEEED TO EAT THAT!” It’s a smart phone photo with flash because that’s what I had at the time.

When I finally sank my teeth into it, it was soft, warm, fluffy, and absolutely fucking gorgeous.

Sometimes you have to cheat.

Zoflora Kitchen Wipes

Shit you’ll need:

  • One roll of Regina Blitz.
  • A lidded plastic tub.
  • Tap water.
  • Yer chosen Zoflora scent.
  • Scissors.

I thought I’d share this alternative to making wipes – this is not to say it’s better, it’s simply another method. If you’re wondering what the alternative IS, well basically folks have been adding Zoflora to cheap baby wipes which I’ve not tried personally, because this write up is how I’ve been doing it.

Regina Blitz is massssiiiive sheet wise. I love the stuff and use it to make these wipes and also face wipes. Make a pile of RB, cutting each piece in half and stacking it in your plastic tub. Add ONE CAPFUL of Zoflora to roughly half a pint of water. Add it slowly so the wipes are at optimum saturation – you might use a bit less or a bit more depending on how big your pile is. RB is perfect for this because it’s very very strong, and the pieces are much larger than typical kitchen paper.

If you use a full roll of RB, you will get an absolute shitload of wipes because it will go really far. Keep the lid on your tub to make sure they don’t dry out obviously.

That’s yer lot. You can use this method to create any type of wipe – face or baby wipes using appropriate ingredients, multi surface cleaner wipes etc. A splash of neat Flash in the water instead of Zoflora works. DO NOT MIX THEM. You don’t want to accidentally melt your lungs out creating chemical fumes. Yes folks will say that they have been doing it for a while with no issue – but the fact is that chemical toxicity can build over time, and before you know it, you’re wheezing like a forty-year-chain-smoker after attempting to run to the offy before closing time for a packet of cigs.