Chocolate Protein Balls 🍫

They are very nice and I know that because I have just shoved two of them in me gob. They are much nicer and cheaper to make than the tiny squares of pre made protein bars you find in supermarkets that are about a square inch in total. Fucking robbing gits.

Yes the balls are touching and I put them like that on purpose because I’m mentally twelve years old.

Shit you’ll need:

  • 250g pitted dates.
  • 15g chia seeds.
  • 3tblspns crunchy peanut butter.
  • 100g chocolate drops.
  • 1tsp vanilla essence.
  • 1tblspn cocoa.

Put your dates in a blender. Whizz the fuck out of them for a bit, and then add your peanut butter. Add the rest of your ingredients, stopping the blender to give it all a good squish about so you don’t get uneven lumps of ingredients in one area.

When it’s all combined to a stiff mixture, scoop it out and roll into balls using your hands. Shove in the fridge for a couple of hours before you scoff them. Don’t eat them all at once though otherwise you might be sick. Yields about eight depending on how big you like your balls.

Chewy Peanut Butter Choc Chip Cookies 🍪

This is a very peanut butter heavy affair. The result is a peanutty chewy glory.

Shit you’ll need:

  • 227g of peanut butter. Smooth or crunchy is fine. Mine are made with crunchy in this instance.
  • 198g of sweetened condensed milk.
  • 1 egg.
  • 4tsp of cornflour, heaped.
  • 100g chocolate chips. I used milk ones.

Piss easy to make. Combine all your ingredients in a bowl, you will get a stiff but sticky batter rather than a dough. Spoon onto a baking tray leaving plenty of room between each, as they spread a bit. Bake for fifteen minutes in the middle of your oven on a medium heat.

Yields twelve, but it’s better to make them in two batches of six because of the spreading. These were a total experiment, I wanted to see if the ingredients would work, and well you can see they did. It makes a light but chewy cookie. The condensed milk negates the need for extra sugar. The cornflour keeps things from getting too heavy with the amount of peanut butter used.

Stuff in yer gob as desired. Belch in appreciation, and REJOICE.

BOOOOOOOZE

I made fruit infused vodka and now I am a bit trollied. 🥴

BERRIES

There are tons of tutorials online for this stuff, after reading a few and deciding what to use, this is what I went with:

  • 500ml vodka.
  • 250g frozen forest fruits.
  • 130g granulated sugar.

You’ll also need a jar or canister that carries about a litre of liquid. Make sure you sterilise it first otherwise nasties will form.

If you were using fresh fruit, you’d need to prick the berries first, but frozen ones don’t need that. Shove them in your canister or jar, and add the sugar. Mash them together thoroughly, and pour your vodka on top. Add your lid or seal the canister, and shake the ever living fuck out of it. The sugar will settle at the bottom initially.

Store in a dark cupboard for seven days, shaking it every day to help the sugar dissolve. After seven days, strain it, and pour into sterilised bottles or jars. Discard the fruit entirely.

Bottled booze in a cluttered corner.

It will blow your head off.

Thirty Days of Soup

I am in the midst of editing my soup recipes and collating them into a pdf, along with two other formats for accessibility. Today I sorted the cover out:

I know it’s not overly exciting, but I’m rather pleased.

Omelette Cheat 🥚 🍳

If like me, you are utterly shite at making an omelette in a skillet/frying pan/wok/variation thereof, my method is as follows:

Fluffy omeletty goodness.

Get a non stick circular cake tin, greasing it well. Heat the tin in your oven for a good five minutes until it’s hot. Pour your usual omelette mix into it, and let it bake for about ten to fifteen minutes. You’ll be able to turn it out onto your plate fairly easily. It will rise, and when you take it out of the oven, it should sink nicely to look similar to the one in my photo. It’s a good way to make multiple omelettes if you have more than one person to cook for.

My usual omelette combo is four eggs, salt, pepper, a lump of butter, and a sprinkling of cheese. Serve with whatever you’d like.

Fat Cakes for Birds! 🐦

Apparently I decided 03:00AM was the time to do this. It’s getting colder and colder, and you can help feed wildlife by making fat cakes for them to chomp on.

FAAAAAAAAAAAT

Shit you’ll need:

  • Lard or coconut oil, melted.
  • 1cup of Polenta.
  • 1cup of cooked pasta, sliced up into small pieces.
  • 1cup of mixed seeds.

You can also add peanut butter, preferably smooth, currants, sultanas, uncooked oats, and cheese. Melt your fat source down, and add the rest of your ingredients. I don’t actually have anything ball shaped I can use for this right now, so I’ve put it in tubs to set, and I’ll cut it into cubes to put outside.

I know they don’t look fantastic, but the birds will luuuurve you.

Don’t use any animal fat for this, especially not turkey fat. It coats feathers in the wrong way and stops tweeters from flying, as well as spreading disease. Lard or coconut oil are absolutely your best options.

You can leave them to set in a cool place like your fridge, or in my case my kitchen windowsill because it’s cold on there.