Cream of Potato & Garlic Soup 🥔 🥣

I love this soup. It’s buttery, filling and garlic-y, and the kind of soup you eat with home baked bread rolls loaded with butter.


Shit you’ll need:

  • Potatoes, obviously. I used five large ones and I DIDN’T PEEL THEM. Give them a good scrub first though. You can also forgo any peeling or boiling and use instant mash for this.
  • 60g butter, with extra for those who want MOAR.
  • 4 cloves of garlic or powder/purée equivalent.
  • 1tsp salt.
  • 1tsp cracked black pepper.
  • 150ML cream or equivalent.
  • 500ML vegetable stock.
  • A chopped onion.

Chop and fry your onion along with the garlic, salt, pepper, and butter. Whilst you’re faffing about with that, chop your potatoes to size and boil until they’re softened. If you’re using instant mash, you don’t need to do that part.

When the spuds are soft, transfer them to your slow cooker, with the vegetable stock and the contents of the frying pan. Mash them together, and let them do their thing on auto setting for an hour. If you want to add more butter because you don’t value your arteries, then go ahead, it depends on your tastes of course.

After the hour is done, use a hand blender to make it super smooth if it hasn’t done that itself already. Add the cream, and stir the fuck out of it. Serve with warm crusty bread and butter.

Don’t plan on moving after, this will put you into a food coma if you eat a lot with bread.

Apple & Stilton Soup 🍎 🥣

This one is absolutely bursting with flavour. It’s a favourite, and with the dreadful festering (festive) season coming upon us (not a fan) Stilton comes out even more than usual in the shops. The ONLY things about this time of year I actually like, are the cold weather, and the cheese I can get.

Yes I know it looks like a shit-heap. It won’t taste like one though.

Shit you’ll need:

  • Three apples, chopped and cored.
  • 150g Stilton cheese. Saint Agur is also fine if you can’t get Stilton.
  • 1tsp salt.
  • 1dstspn cracked black pepper.
  • 1tsp basil.
  • 1tsp oregano.
  • 500ML boiling water.
  • 2tblspns olive oil.
  • 400ML can coconut milk.


Remove their cores and chop into chunks, putting them into your slow cooker with the seasoning and herbs. Break the Stilton up, and add it to the mix. Add the olive oil and the water, and heat it up on high for half an hour. After that, add the can of coconut milk, and switch the slow cooker on auto for an hour and a half to two hours. The key is to wait for the apples to soften and melt down a little, as if you were stewing them.

Once they are soft, you can either leave the soup as it is, or shove it in a food processor to smooth it out a bit. Regardless of what you do, it will taste bloody MARVELLOUS.

Mid stewing stage

This makes a good starter soup, but it’s also fine for pigging out on too. I tend to do the latter.

Mixed berry oat grumble

Yes GRUMBLE, because I have had a banging headache for the last two days.

I follow Jack Monroe because frankly, they are a bloody legend. My effort here is directly inspired by their recent crumble recipe, although I’m not vegan (sorry Jack!) and I switched it up a little bit because I had bloody tons of oats, and I really bloody love the aforementioned oats.

Frozen berries, obviously.

I bought the berries frozen because they were on offer on a two for reduced price deal, that my addled fucking brain has completely forgotten. I sprinkled them with sugar, and let them sit overnight until they had defrosted and were sitting in their juices.

My topping went like this:

  • Four cups of dry oats.
  • 250g butter.
  • 3tblsp set honey.
  • 3tblsp peanut butter.

All you need to do, is melt the butter, honey, and peanut butter in a pan large enough to mix the oats into. When everything is melted and combined, tip the oats in and make sure they’re all saturated.

Press down on top of the berry mixture, and bake in the oven for half an hour, on a medium heat. I have also forgotten what temperature I set my oven to, because fibromyalgia is kicking my arse, and I’ve had a crushing headache for the last two days. I am appallingly useless at times.

Do you have ANY idea how hard it was not to shove the topping into my mouth along the way?

Serve with ice-cream, custard, cream, or whatever you’d like, even if you’re really weird and you want ketchup on it.

This is SO fucking yummy.

Indulgent as fuck cream of mushroom soup 🥣 🍄

Not gonna lie. This is not good for if you’re on a diet, or you don’t like dairy filled soups. It’s the kind of soup you serve as a starter before a fancy dinner, but only in small amounts so nobody has mushroom soup coma before the main course, unless you’re eating it AS a main course with a mountain of bread, like I do.


Apologies for the size of the photo, instawank was being awkward on my personal account, and I couldn’t share it to my kitchenfuckery account without resorting to a simple screenshot. Fucking technology.

Pre heat yer oven to 180°C/350°F/Gas Mark 4.


  • One 300g punnet of button mushrooms.
  • Four large flat mushrooms.
  • 250g butter.
  • 250ml of vegetable stock – cubes or bullion work fine, made with boiling water.
  • 1tbsp of garlic purée or equivalent.
  • A bunch of scallions – seven shoots in my last bunch which is perfect.
  • 1dstspn cracked black pepper, or more if you are some kind of pepper fetishist.
  • 1dstspn salt, or to your taste requirements.
  • 1ltr semi skimmed milk.
  • 600g cream.
  • 1tsp (heaped) of corn flour.
  • Half a 75g tube of Just Add Basil purée, or you know, 37.5g like a normal person would say. 🙄

Grab your frying pan/wok/variation thereof, and add to it the butter, salt, pepper, garlic, basil, and heat gently. Chop and add the scallions, doing the same with the button mushrooms. Allow to fry and be saturated with the glorious buttery goodness.

Chop your large flat mushrooms into chunks, the point of adding these is so you have some decent body to your soup. Chuck them in the pan as well, and let everything mingle and smell good, whilst trying to resist eating everything. That bit might be really hard, especially if you’re me.

Grab a large pan preferably with a lid, large enough to hold the volume of liquid outlined, or you will make a dreadful fucking mess. Transfer the contents of your frying pan to it, and add your litre of milk, and 250ml vegetable stock. Stir thoroughly until things are starting to get along with one another nicely. Do not let this boil, you’ll balls it up.

Dissolve your heaped teaspoon of cornflour into a small cup of cold water, and add to the pan, continuing to stir so you don’t get huge glomps of floury horror-shite in the pan. Dump in the entire carton of cream, still stirring like some kind of mad person. When the soup starts to thicken, take off the heat and transfer into the oven with your pan lid on (make sure there are no plastic bits on it folks), and allow to heat through for an hour. This means you’re not standing for ages in front of your hob, going silently mad with endless stirring.

Obviously after that hour is up, remove from the oven and serve as you desire. This is a large volume recipe, so reduce as appropriate, or make enough to stock up your freezer.

This will also work very well in a slow cooker. Fry the mushrooms etc in the same way as you would at the beginning of this recipe, and then simply dump that and the rest of the ingredients in the slow cooker, and let it do its thing. Remember to stir it every so often so it doesn’t get bored.

I’m sure there is a healthier version of this out there, it’s just I kind of like this one and so I’m sticking to it. Feel free to run with it and make it healthier, but I’m not going to eat it. 😛