Sometimes you have to cheat a little: vanilla and Nutella cake 🍰🎂

I’m not gonna lie – I’m battling some painful shit right now. Trapped nerve in my shoulder which has fucked my arm up royally, perimenopause which is…’interesting’ to say the least, on top of which I’m living with the wonder that is fibromyalgia, most likely the result of the complex-post-traumatic-stress-disorder I live with. Yes, I realise that sounds depressing as fuck, but I was done with dressing things up for appearances sake a long time ago. Life is too REAL for that.

I decided around 03:00AM that I wanted–no–needed a cake of some description. Unfortunately, my brainmeats really didn’t want to mess around with weighing out the ingredients, especially since the trapped nerve I mentioned earlier has been responsible for me dropping things more than usual. So what do you do when you want a cake, and you don’t want to fuck about with weighing all the shit out?

You cheat a bit.

Yeah I cheated, so fucking what?

89p in an order I made a while ago knowing that I’d definitely use it, so much so that I bought two. Yes, you have to add a few ingredients to make it work, but I didn’t have to weigh anything out. I threw in a little vanilla extract. I added the amount of Nutella in the middle that I thought my pained and hormonal body needed.

The fruits of my hormonal labour..

No, this is not a perfect Instagram photo that makes everyone go “OooOooOooOoooo I NEEEED TO EAT THAT!” It’s a smart phone photo with flash because that’s what I had at the time.

When I finally sank my teeth into it, it was soft, warm, fluffy, and absolutely fucking gorgeous.

Sometimes you have to cheat.

Mixed berry oat grumble

Yes GRUMBLE, because I have had a banging headache for the last two days.

I follow Jack Monroe because frankly, they are a bloody legend. My effort here is directly inspired by their recent crumble recipe, although I’m not vegan (sorry Jack!) and I switched it up a little bit because I had bloody tons of oats, and I really bloody love the aforementioned oats.

Frozen berries, obviously.

I bought the berries frozen because they were on offer on a two for reduced price deal, that my addled fucking brain has completely forgotten. I sprinkled them with sugar, and let them sit overnight until they had defrosted and were sitting in their juices.

My topping went like this:

  • Four cups of dry oats.
  • 250g butter.
  • 3tblsp set honey.
  • 3tblsp peanut butter.

All you need to do, is melt the butter, honey, and peanut butter in a pan large enough to mix the oats into. When everything is melted and combined, tip the oats in and make sure they’re all saturated.

Press down on top of the berry mixture, and bake in the oven for half an hour, on a medium heat. I have also forgotten what temperature I set my oven to, because fibromyalgia is kicking my arse, and I’ve had a crushing headache for the last two days. I am appallingly useless at times.

Do you have ANY idea how hard it was not to shove the topping into my mouth along the way?

Serve with ice-cream, custard, cream, or whatever you’d like, even if you’re really weird and you want ketchup on it.

This is SO fucking yummy.

On why today is fired..

So a few days ago, I got a shiny new toy that replaced my dead slow cooker, which had served me well. Anyway, I tried the new toy for the first time today, and it did not go to plan. In fact, things went a tad awry.

The infernal shitbox.
The offending contraption: Pressure King Pro. 

That’s from me instawank account if you hadn’t guessed. I was all kinds of excited to try it, I’d prepared the turkey and veg etc, and I was waiting for it to pressurise…

…and waiting.

…and waiting.

AND WAITING.

Did it pressurise? Did it fuck. Of course it didn’t. Why would it do as it’s supposed to, when it can piss me off and bugger up my dinner? Yes of course the valve was closed, I did everything right, it’s just Sod’s law dictates that whenever Alex gets a shiny new toy, inevitably something will go amiss. S’true.

Tomorrow it is going back to Amazon, whereupon I shall be issued with a refund with which I will procure myself a replacement slow cooker, because this will teach me to try and buy a fancy appliance that can apparently do everything but give yer dad a blow-job. Turns out it doesn’t do owt but sit there like cheese at fourpence.

My other issue was the fact that alongside faffing with a faulty unit, I was also putting together one of my favourite cakes, a lemon and basil cake. I’ve made it before, turned out lovely. This time however, not so much. I am unsure as to which part I buggered up in my distraction with the Pressure King Pro debacle, but I ended up with a sunken cake. THE HORROR.

That’s not a turd in the middle of my cake batter by the way, it’s basil purée.
It looked so nice before it went in’t oven.

So not only did my dinner not go to plan, but my cake ended up looking like a squishy crater. It tasted fantastic though, so what does Alex do when a cake doesn’t go to plan?

They turn it upside down, throw custard at it, and turn it into a pudding. I was too grumpy to take a photo, I’m sure you’ll survive not seeing one.

One extremely moist chocolate mug cake 🍰

Chocolatey goodness.

This was an accident because I’d never made a mug cake before, and I thought I’d fuck it up like a weapons grade pillock. Turns out it worked quite nicely:

Ingredients:

  • 1 egg.
  • 3 tbsp caster sugar.
  • 3 tbsp self raising flour.
  • 3 tbsp cocoa powder.
  • 3 tbsp milk.
  • 3 tbsp double cream.
  • 3 tbsp oil.
  • 1 tsp vanilla essence.

Combine all ingredients in a LARGE coffee mug, or bowl. Put in the microwave for one and a half to two minutes depending on your microwave. Mine took one minute forty seconds in an 800w microwave. Will make a large pudding enough to share between two people, or just one if you’re being a greedy shitbag like me.

I also added a handful of crushed mixed nuts, but you don’t have to.