Chocolate Protein Balls 🍫

They are very nice and I know that because I have just shoved two of them in me gob. They are much nicer and cheaper to make than the tiny squares of pre made protein bars you find in supermarkets that are about a square inch in total. Fucking robbing gits.

Yes the balls are touching and I put them like that on purpose because I’m mentally twelve years old.

Shit you’ll need:

  • 250g pitted dates.
  • 15g chia seeds.
  • 3tblspns crunchy peanut butter.
  • 100g chocolate drops.
  • 1tsp vanilla essence.
  • 1tblspn cocoa.

Put your dates in a blender. Whizz the fuck out of them for a bit, and then add your peanut butter. Add the rest of your ingredients, stopping the blender to give it all a good squish about so you don’t get uneven lumps of ingredients in one area.

When it’s all combined to a stiff mixture, scoop it out and roll into balls using your hands. Shove in the fridge for a couple of hours before you scoff them. Don’t eat them all at once though otherwise you might be sick. Yields about eight depending on how big you like your balls.

Chewy Peanut Butter Choc Chip Cookies 🍪

This is a very peanut butter heavy affair. The result is a peanutty chewy glory.

Shit you’ll need:

  • 227g of peanut butter. Smooth or crunchy is fine. Mine are made with crunchy in this instance.
  • 198g of sweetened condensed milk.
  • 1 egg.
  • 4tsp of cornflour, heaped.
  • 100g chocolate chips. I used milk ones.

Piss easy to make. Combine all your ingredients in a bowl, you will get a stiff but sticky batter rather than a dough. Spoon onto a baking tray leaving plenty of room between each, as they spread a bit. Bake for fifteen minutes in the middle of your oven on a medium heat.

Yields twelve, but it’s better to make them in two batches of six because of the spreading. These were a total experiment, I wanted to see if the ingredients would work, and well you can see they did. It makes a light but chewy cookie. The condensed milk negates the need for extra sugar. The cornflour keeps things from getting too heavy with the amount of peanut butter used.

Stuff in yer gob as desired. Belch in appreciation, and REJOICE.

Chewy Chocolate Chip Cookies 🍪

This is not my recipe, it’s one I’ve slightly altered for my own tastes. The original recipe is HERE.

I used egg replacer, and substituted the packed brown sugar for muscovado sugar, and the standard sugar for icing sugar. If you want a dairy free option, try using coconut oil or vegetable oil in place of the butter, either will work. Using a high cocoa content dark chocolate will be fine to keep any milk out of the process. I’ve said before that I keep egg replacer in my cupboards because it’s very economical to do so for the price.

It was so bloody hard NOT to just scoff allllll the dough.

The first six.

My kitchen smelled fucking amazing with these baking. The last photo is a pile of eleven, because obviously I had to scoff a warm cookie when they were ready, duh.

Soooooo chewy.

Sometimes you have to cheat a little: vanilla and Nutella cake 🍰🎂

I’m not gonna lie – I’m battling some painful shit right now. Trapped nerve in my shoulder which has fucked my arm up royally, perimenopause which is…’interesting’ to say the least, on top of which I’m living with the wonder that is fibromyalgia, most likely the result of the complex-post-traumatic-stress-disorder I live with. Yes, I realise that sounds depressing as fuck, but I was done with dressing things up for appearances sake a long time ago. Life is too REAL for that.

I decided around 03:00AM that I wanted–no–needed a cake of some description. Unfortunately, my brainmeats really didn’t want to mess around with weighing out the ingredients, especially since the trapped nerve I mentioned earlier has been responsible for me dropping things more than usual. So what do you do when you want a cake, and you don’t want to fuck about with weighing all the shit out?

You cheat a bit.

Yeah I cheated, so fucking what?

89p in an order I made a while ago knowing that I’d definitely use it, so much so that I bought two. Yes, you have to add a few ingredients to make it work, but I didn’t have to weigh anything out. I threw in a little vanilla extract. I added the amount of Nutella in the middle that I thought my pained and hormonal body needed.

The fruits of my hormonal labour..

No, this is not a perfect Instagram photo that makes everyone go “OooOooOooOoooo I NEEEED TO EAT THAT!” It’s a smart phone photo with flash because that’s what I had at the time.

When I finally sank my teeth into it, it was soft, warm, fluffy, and absolutely fucking gorgeous.

Sometimes you have to cheat.

Chewy chocolate chilli cookies 🍫🌶 🍪

I felt that 3am-ish was the perfect time for me to fuck about in the kitchen and make the aforementioned cookies. This recipe makes cookies that when cool, are slightly crispy on the outside, but nice and chewy when you sink yer teeth into them.

COOKIE DOUGH NOT TURDS.

Believe me I made more than four of these delicious little fuckers, I baked a batch of six, and left the rest of the dough in the fridge overnight just in case I need more cookies tomorrow. Obviously I’m going to need more cookies tomorrow, or else I might die. It could absolutely happen.

Pre-heat yer oven to 180°C/350°F/Gas Mark 4.

Ingredients:

  • 100g caster sugar.
  • 165g muscovado sugar.
  • 115g unsalted butter, or equivalent, softened.
  • 1tsp salt.
  • 1/2 bicarbonate of soda.
  • An egg.
  • 155g plain flour.
  • 1tsp vanilla essence or extract.
  • 100g chocolate chips – milk or dark work best with this combination.
  • 1/4 tube of chilli purée – my tube was an 80g Gia brand. You can adjust this depending on how much you like chilli. I like my tastebuds, so I don’t use the whole thing obviously.

Wang the sugars and butter into a bowl, and cream thoroughly. Add the egg, vanilla, bicarbonate, and chilli purée, and combine thoroughly. Spoon in the flour and salt gradually, and finally add whichever chocolate chips you’ve chosen, making sure they’re spread properly unless you want a set of wonky cookies. I mean you might, that’s entirely up to you.

Cover the bowl, and stuff it in the fridge for thirty minutes. After the dough has chilled out for a while, take it out and spoon it onto a greased baking tray, giving each blob of dough plenty of room because these buggers like to spread. Bake for fifteen minutes.

When they’re done, allow to cool a bit before stuffing them in yer gob. I lasted about thirty seconds before I picked one up and crammed one in, because I’m an unabashed oinklet.

CHEWY CHOCOLATEY CHILLI GOODNESS. 

Insert obligatory drooling noises here. You should get about twelve cookies out of this lot.

One extremely moist chocolate mug cake 🍰

Chocolatey goodness.

This was an accident because I’d never made a mug cake before, and I thought I’d fuck it up like a weapons grade pillock. Turns out it worked quite nicely:

Ingredients:

  • 1 egg.
  • 3 tbsp caster sugar.
  • 3 tbsp self raising flour.
  • 3 tbsp cocoa powder.
  • 3 tbsp milk.
  • 3 tbsp double cream.
  • 3 tbsp oil.
  • 1 tsp vanilla essence.

Combine all ingredients in a LARGE coffee mug, or bowl. Put in the microwave for one and a half to two minutes depending on your microwave. Mine took one minute forty seconds in an 800w microwave. Will make a large pudding enough to share between two people, or just one if you’re being a greedy shitbag like me.

I also added a handful of crushed mixed nuts, but you don’t have to.