Sometimes you have to cheat a little: vanilla and Nutella cake 🍰🎂

I’m not gonna lie – I’m battling some painful shit right now. Trapped nerve in my shoulder which has fucked my arm up royally, perimenopause which is…’interesting’ to say the least, on top of which I’m living with the wonder that is fibromyalgia, most likely the result of the complex-post-traumatic-stress-disorder I live with. Yes, I realise that sounds depressing as fuck, but I was done with dressing things up for appearances sake a long time ago. Life is too REAL for that.

I decided around 03:00AM that I wanted–no–needed a cake of some description. Unfortunately, my brainmeats really didn’t want to mess around with weighing out the ingredients, especially since the trapped nerve I mentioned earlier has been responsible for me dropping things more than usual. So what do you do when you want a cake, and you don’t want to fuck about with weighing all the shit out?

You cheat a bit.

Yeah I cheated, so fucking what?

89p in an order I made a while ago knowing that I’d definitely use it, so much so that I bought two. Yes, you have to add a few ingredients to make it work, but I didn’t have to weigh anything out. I threw in a little vanilla extract. I added the amount of Nutella in the middle that I thought my pained and hormonal body needed.

The fruits of my hormonal labour..

No, this is not a perfect Instagram photo that makes everyone go “OooOooOooOoooo I NEEEED TO EAT THAT!” It’s a smart phone photo with flash because that’s what I had at the time.

When I finally sank my teeth into it, it was soft, warm, fluffy, and absolutely fucking gorgeous.

Sometimes you have to cheat.

Chewy chocolate chilli cookies 🍫🌶 🍪

I felt that 3am-ish was the perfect time for me to fuck about in the kitchen and make the aforementioned cookies. This recipe makes cookies that when cool, are slightly crispy on the outside, but nice and chewy when you sink yer teeth into them.

COOKIE DOUGH NOT TURDS.

Believe me I made more than four of these delicious little fuckers, I baked a batch of six, and left the rest of the dough in the fridge overnight just in case I need more cookies tomorrow. Obviously I’m going to need more cookies tomorrow, or else I might die. It could absolutely happen.

Pre-heat yer oven to 180°C/350°F/Gas Mark 4.

Ingredients:

  • 100g caster sugar.
  • 165g muscovado sugar.
  • 115g unsalted butter, or equivalent, softened.
  • 1tsp salt.
  • 1/2 bicarbonate of soda.
  • An egg.
  • 155g plain flour.
  • 1tsp vanilla essence or extract.
  • 100g chocolate chips – milk or dark work best with this combination.
  • 1/4 tube of chilli purée – my tube was an 80g Gia brand. You can adjust this depending on how much you like chilli. I like my tastebuds, so I don’t use the whole thing obviously.

Wang the sugars and butter into a bowl, and cream thoroughly. Add the egg, vanilla, bicarbonate, and chilli purée, and combine thoroughly. Spoon in the flour and salt gradually, and finally add whichever chocolate chips you’ve chosen, making sure they’re spread properly unless you want a set of wonky cookies. I mean you might, that’s entirely up to you.

Cover the bowl, and stuff it in the fridge for thirty minutes. After the dough has chilled out for a while, take it out and spoon it onto a greased baking tray, giving each blob of dough plenty of room because these buggers like to spread. Bake for fifteen minutes.

When they’re done, allow to cool a bit before stuffing them in yer gob. I lasted about thirty seconds before I picked one up and crammed one in, because I’m an unabashed oinklet.

CHEWY CHOCOLATEY CHILLI GOODNESS. 

Insert obligatory drooling noises here. You should get about twelve cookies out of this lot.

One extremely moist chocolate mug cake 🍰

Chocolatey goodness.

This was an accident because I’d never made a mug cake before, and I thought I’d fuck it up like a weapons grade pillock. Turns out it worked quite nicely:

Ingredients:

  • 1 egg.
  • 3 tbsp caster sugar.
  • 3 tbsp self raising flour.
  • 3 tbsp cocoa powder.
  • 3 tbsp milk.
  • 3 tbsp double cream.
  • 3 tbsp oil.
  • 1 tsp vanilla essence.

Combine all ingredients in a LARGE coffee mug, or bowl. Put in the microwave for one and a half to two minutes depending on your microwave. Mine took one minute forty seconds in an 800w microwave. Will make a large pudding enough to share between two people, or just one if you’re being a greedy shitbag like me.

I also added a handful of crushed mixed nuts, but you don’t have to.