Sometimes you have to cheat a little: vanilla and Nutella cake 🍰🎂

I’m not gonna lie – I’m battling some painful shit right now. Trapped nerve in my shoulder which has fucked my arm up royally, perimenopause which is…’interesting’ to say the least, on top of which I’m living with the wonder that is fibromyalgia, most likely the result of the complex-post-traumatic-stress-disorder I live with. Yes, I realise that sounds depressing as fuck, but I was done with dressing things up for appearances sake a long time ago. Life is too REAL for that.

I decided around 03:00AM that I wanted–no–needed a cake of some description. Unfortunately, my brainmeats really didn’t want to mess around with weighing out the ingredients, especially since the trapped nerve I mentioned earlier has been responsible for me dropping things more than usual. So what do you do when you want a cake, and you don’t want to fuck about with weighing all the shit out?

You cheat a bit.

Yeah I cheated, so fucking what?

89p in an order I made a while ago knowing that I’d definitely use it, so much so that I bought two. Yes, you have to add a few ingredients to make it work, but I didn’t have to weigh anything out. I threw in a little vanilla extract. I added the amount of Nutella in the middle that I thought my pained and hormonal body needed.

The fruits of my hormonal labour..

No, this is not a perfect Instagram photo that makes everyone go “OooOooOooOoooo I NEEEED TO EAT THAT!” It’s a smart phone photo with flash because that’s what I had at the time.

When I finally sank my teeth into it, it was soft, warm, fluffy, and absolutely fucking gorgeous.

Sometimes you have to cheat.

3AM Cornbread Muffins 🍯

I’ve been up to my nightbreed baking bollocks again. This time I really, REALLY wanted cornbread muffins. I can’t help what my batshit head decided in the smaller hours of the night, I just listen to it.

I followed this recipe, but because I’m slightly awkward, I used egg replacer, and oat milk. This isn’t because I’m vegan because I’m not. I eat eggs, but unless I’m making scrambled eggs or an omelette, I use a replacer. Why? Well, because it keeps for absolutely ages, and a small tub of the stuff is the equivalent of forty-five eggs. It’s economical. I also prefer oat milk and favour Oatly Barista because it’s seriously creamy.

This is a small batch recipe, and will yield six standard size muffins, but I used a mini muffin tray, so I got twelve.


Shit you’ll need:

  • 1/2 cup of cornmeal. I used Dunn’s River fine cornmeal.
  • 1/2 cup of plain flour.
  • 1/2 tsp of baking powder or bicarb.
  • 1/4 sugar.
  • 1/2 tsp salt.
  • 1/2 cup of oat milk.
  • 1 tsp of egg replacer.
  • 2 tblsp of water.
  • 1/4 cup of melted butter, or oil.
  • 1 tblsp of honey.

I’ve added the list of things I actually put in which is almost the same as the original recipe from Meg Herbert. She clearly knows how to muffin. They were seriously soft, squishy, and beautifully moist.

I say were, cos I’ve scoffed the fucking lot. 😎

On why today is fired..

So a few days ago, I got a shiny new toy that replaced my dead slow cooker, which had served me well. Anyway, I tried the new toy for the first time today, and it did not go to plan. In fact, things went a tad awry.

The infernal shitbox.

The offending contraption: Pressure King Pro. 

That’s from me instawank account if you hadn’t guessed. I was all kinds of excited to try it, I’d prepared the turkey and veg etc, and I was waiting for it to pressurise…

…and waiting.

…and waiting.


Did it pressurise? Did it fuck. Of course it didn’t. Why would it do as it’s supposed to, when it can piss me off and bugger up my dinner? Yes of course the valve was closed, I did everything right, it’s just Sod’s law dictates that whenever Alex gets a shiny new toy, inevitably something will go amiss. S’true.

Tomorrow it is going back to Amazon, whereupon I shall be issued with a refund with which I will procure myself a replacement slow cooker, because this will teach me to try and buy a fancy appliance that can apparently do everything but give yer dad a blow-job. Turns out it doesn’t do owt but sit there like cheese at fourpence.

My other issue was the fact that alongside faffing with a faulty unit, I was also putting together one of my favourite cakes, a lemon and basil cake. I’ve made it before, turned out lovely. This time however, not so much. I am unsure as to which part I buggered up in my distraction with the Pressure King Pro debacle, but I ended up with a sunken cake. THE HORROR.

That’s not a turd in the middle of my cake batter by the way, it’s basil purée.

It looked so nice before it went in’t oven.

So not only did my dinner not go to plan, but my cake ended up looking like a squishy crater. It tasted fantastic though, so what does Alex do when a cake doesn’t go to plan?

They turn it upside down, throw custard at it, and turn it into a pudding. I was too grumpy to take a photo, I’m sure you’ll survive not seeing one.

One extremely moist chocolate mug cake 🍰

Chocolatey goodness.

This was an accident because I’d never made a mug cake before, and I thought I’d fuck it up like a weapons grade pillock. Turns out it worked quite nicely:


  • 1 egg.
  • 3 tbsp caster sugar.
  • 3 tbsp self raising flour.
  • 3 tbsp cocoa powder.
  • 3 tbsp milk.
  • 3 tbsp double cream.
  • 3 tbsp oil.
  • 1 tsp vanilla essence.

Combine all ingredients in a LARGE coffee mug, or bowl. Put in the microwave for one and a half to two minutes depending on your microwave. Mine took one minute forty seconds in an 800w microwave. Will make a large pudding enough to share between two people, or just one if you’re being a greedy shitbag like me.

I also added a handful of crushed mixed nuts, but you don’t have to.

Banana bread

Look, I know it’s shaped like a fucking loaf, but it’s not actually bread. It’s a bloody cake. It’s an incredibly moist and wonderful cake that I love, even though I don’t particularly like eating bananas in their natural form. I’m weird.

See? Cake.


  • 4 incredibly ripe bananas, 5 if they’re small.
  • 2 eggs.
  • 1tsp vanilla extract.
  • 285g/10oz plain flour.
  • 225g/8oz caster sugar.
  • 1/2tsp salt.
  • 110g/4oz butter or equivalent.
  • 1tsp bicarbonate of soda.

This will yield a 2lb loaf of banana-ry fucking goodness.

Pre-heat your oven to 180°C/350°F/Gas Mark 4.

Cream your butter or its equivalent with your sugar in a bowl, until it’s nice and fluffy. Shove to one side and throw your flour, bicarbonate, and salt into another bowl, via a sieve. No lumps allowed.

Peel (discard the skins you muppet) and mash your bananas into the butter/sugar mix, you can use a fork as they should be incredibly soft. Add your eggs and vanilla extract, and mix thoroughly, preferably with an electric hand whisk until it’s nice and smooth. Try not to eat it at this point, yes it’s nice but stop it.

Fold in your flour/salt/bicarbonate combo, and mix well. Transfer into a lined loaf tin, and shove in the middle of your oven for an hour. As stated in a previous recipe, resist the urge to open the oven door and check progress, because you’ll fuck it up.

Nobody wants a loaf cake that looks like it’s been sat on.

After the hour is up, take it out of your oven, and let it sit for a bit to cool off. Drape a clean tea-towel over the top of it to retain moisture, and try not to shove it all in your mouth at once after it’s dropped to a low enough temperature.

Coriander & lime cake

I tend to do most of my baking during the small hours of the morning, and this effort was no exception. I started throwing this together at around 4am, and I was shoving it in me gob just as it started to get light.

Slices of the finished product before I shoved it in me gob.


  • 285g/10oz of plain flour.
  • 1tsp bicarbonate of soda.
  • 1/2tsp salt.
  • 110g butter or equivalent.
  • 2 eggs.
  • 225g/8oz caster sugar.
  • 85ml milk or buttermilk.
  • 1 75g tube of ‘Just Add Coriander’ purée.
  • 3tbsp lime juice.

Herb purée is fantastic for stuff like this.

Pre heat your oven to 180°C/350°F/gas mark 4. You’ll bollocks things up if you don’t do this.

Cream your butter or its substitute in a bowl with your sugar. In a separate bowl, sift your flour, salt, and bicarbonate of soda and put to one side. Try not to throw it all over yourself like a twat (yes unfortunately this happens to me a lot).

Add your eggs, lime juice, milk, and coriander purée to your butter/sugar, and mix well. I use an electric hand mixer because sometimes my hands are incredibly fucking unhelpful and like to seize up. Grab your flour/salt/bicarb combo, and fold in.

Transfer to a 2lb loaf tin. I tend to use tin liners, because they’re bloody useful.

Cake gunk inside a loaf tin liner.

Shove this in the middle of your oven and allow to bake for about an hour. Resist the temptation to open the door and check your cake’s progress, because the sudden change in temperature will bugger it up, and it will sink in the middle. It’ll still taste nice, it’ll just look like you trod on it. An hour at the right temperature will produce a nice golden cake.

When your hour is up, take it out and let it stand until it’s cooled enough to take out of the tin. I actually drape a clean tea-towel over my cakes at this point, because it keeps the moisture in.

This is a fantastic cake, but it’s not a light one, in fact it’s quite heavy and would probably serve just as well as a pudding if you served it with hot custard. I usually fall into a cake coma after eating this, so don’t say I didn’t warn you.