Repurposing shit..

..not actual shit, I mean I know how to make compost from dog shit, but this isn’t about that. If you didn’t know that was a thing, well now you do.

My new skillets arrived, therefore I decided to repurpose my very well used wok into a herb planter. Remove handle, shove some muck in it, add water, bung some seeds in and yer golden.

Hopefully I’ll have basil, oregano, and parsley fairly soon, unless for some reason I am cursed and nothing will happen. Worked fine last year.

Also here are some jars chilling in the sink. They’ve stopped screaming now I took their heads lids off.

Moisturising bath salts 🛀

Not for snorting!

You can use this mixture to make bath bombs, but left loose they’re good for use as moisturising bath salts.

DO NOT SNORT THIS.

Ingredients:

  • 2 cups bicarbonate of soda.
  • 1 cup of Epsom salts.
  • 1 cup of citric acid crystals.
  • 1 cup of corn flour.
  • 6tblsp coconut oil, melted.
  • 2tblsp olive oil.
  • Your choice of essential oils twenty to thirty drops should do it.
  • Food colouring – again your own choice. I used red and wellllll it came out pink because I didn’t have quite enough left. SHITBALLS.

Combine all the powdery stuff in a bowl. Melt yer coconut oil in a double boiler or microwave if you have one. Mine died and I didn’t bother replacing it. Add the olive oil to the melted coconut oil, as well as your chosen essential oils. Make sure they’re mixed together well. You can also add your chosen food colouring to the oils if you’d like, but be aware that sometimes they don’t melt into the oil, but rather turn into little blobs. You can add the colouring to the dry mix before or after the oil because it will all mix together eventually.

Pour the melted oils and colouring into the dry mix, it’ll fizz a little bit but that’s fine. Using a utensil or your fingers (I’d wear a disposable glove if I were you) combine everything until you get a result like this:

FLUFFY SALTY MESS.

You’ll know it’s done properly when you squeeze it together, and it sticks. You can then store the salts in a sealed container. I broke my last large storage jar like a proper dickhead, so this time they went into three plastic boxes until I replace me jar. Now, be aware that because this has coconut oil in it, the salts will need shaking up a bit each time you use them, which really is entirely reasonable and not the end of the world. If they stick a lot, just STAB THEM with something pointy – this is particularly enjoyable if you like that sort of thing like me. Just ignore the screams. Stabstabstab.

If you’re making bath bombs with this, all you need to do is spoon the mixture into your chosen moulds, and shove in the freezer for a bit. They will actually set just fine in a cool room over an hour or so, but if you want them faster, use your freezer. Just take any body parts out first, you know, to make room.

Chewy chocolate chilli cookies 🍫🌶 🍪

I felt that 3am-ish was the perfect time for me to fuck about in the kitchen and make the aforementioned cookies. This recipe makes cookies that when cool, are slightly crispy on the outside, but nice and chewy when you sink yer teeth into them.

COOKIE DOUGH NOT TURDS.

Believe me I made more than four of these delicious little fuckers, I baked a batch of six, and left the rest of the dough in the fridge overnight just in case I need more cookies tomorrow. Obviously I’m going to need more cookies tomorrow, or else I might die. It could absolutely happen.

Pre-heat yer oven to 180°C/350°F/Gas Mark 4.

Ingredients:

  • 100g caster sugar.
  • 165g muscovado sugar.
  • 115g unsalted butter, or equivalent, softened.
  • 1tsp salt.
  • 1/2 bicarbonate of soda.
  • An egg.
  • 155g plain flour.
  • 1tsp vanilla essence or extract.
  • 100g chocolate chips – milk or dark work best with this combination.
  • 1/4 tube of chilli purée – my tube was an 80g Gia brand. You can adjust this depending on how much you like chilli. I like my tastebuds, so I don’t use the whole thing obviously.

Wang the sugars and butter into a bowl, and cream thoroughly. Add the egg, vanilla, bicarbonate, and chilli purée, and combine thoroughly. Spoon in the flour and salt gradually, and finally add whichever chocolate chips you’ve chosen, making sure they’re spread properly unless you want a set of wonky cookies. I mean you might, that’s entirely up to you.

Cover the bowl, and stuff it in the fridge for thirty minutes. After the dough has chilled out for a while, take it out and spoon it onto a greased baking tray, giving each blob of dough plenty of room because these buggers like to spread. Bake for fifteen minutes.

When they’re done, allow to cool a bit before stuffing them in yer gob. I lasted about thirty seconds before I picked one up and crammed one in, because I’m an unabashed oinklet.

CHEWY CHOCOLATEY CHILLI GOODNESS. 

Insert obligatory drooling noises here. You should get about twelve cookies out of this lot.

URGH

..I am being sabotaged by UTEROSA FURIOSA and feel like I’ve been kicked in the snatch, so I grumped about in the kitchen and threw together my easy noodle bowl because I really cannot be arsed to do anything more.

Noodly bits.
🌽NOODLY BITS.🌽

It’s basically a packet of Nissin sesame ramen, chicken, onions, sweet corn, and crushed chilli spiced olive oil. Apparently when you dump a small jar of crushed chilli in a bottle of olive oil, it makes a wonderfully spiced combination that makes the oil go red.

Just don’t be a twat and get any in your eye like I did. 🙄

Indulgent as fuck cream of mushroom soup 🥣 🍄

Not gonna lie. This is not good for if you’re on a diet, or you don’t like dairy filled soups. It’s the kind of soup you serve as a starter before a fancy dinner, but only in small amounts so nobody has mushroom soup coma before the main course, unless you’re eating it AS a main course with a mountain of bread, like I do.

BEHOLD.

Apologies for the size of the photo, instawank was being awkward on my personal account, and I couldn’t share it to my kitchenfuckery account without resorting to a simple screenshot. Fucking technology.

Pre heat yer oven to 180°C/350°F/Gas Mark 4.

Ingredients:

  • One 300g punnet of button mushrooms.
  • Four large flat mushrooms.
  • 250g butter.
  • 250ml of vegetable stock – cubes or bullion work fine, made with boiling water.
  • 1tbsp of garlic purée or equivalent.
  • A bunch of scallions – seven shoots in my last bunch which is perfect.
  • 1dstspn cracked black pepper, or more if you are some kind of pepper fetishist.
  • 1dstspn salt, or to your taste requirements.
  • 1ltr semi skimmed milk.
  • 600g cream.
  • 1tsp (heaped) of corn flour.
  • Half a 75g tube of Just Add Basil purée, or you know, 37.5g like a normal person would say. 🙄

Grab your frying pan/wok/variation thereof, and add to it the butter, salt, pepper, garlic, basil, and heat gently. Chop and add the scallions, doing the same with the button mushrooms. Allow to fry and be saturated with the glorious buttery goodness.

Chop your large flat mushrooms into chunks, the point of adding these is so you have some decent body to your soup. Chuck them in the pan as well, and let everything mingle and smell good, whilst trying to resist eating everything. That bit might be really hard, especially if you’re me.

Grab a large pan preferably with a lid, large enough to hold the volume of liquid outlined, or you will make a dreadful fucking mess. Transfer the contents of your frying pan to it, and add your litre of milk, and 250ml vegetable stock. Stir thoroughly until things are starting to get along with one another nicely. Do not let this boil, you’ll balls it up.

Dissolve your heaped teaspoon of cornflour into a small cup of cold water, and add to the pan, continuing to stir so you don’t get huge glomps of floury horror-shite in the pan. Dump in the entire carton of cream, still stirring like some kind of mad person. When the soup starts to thicken, take off the heat and transfer into the oven with your pan lid on (make sure there are no plastic bits on it folks), and allow to heat through for an hour. This means you’re not standing for ages in front of your hob, going silently mad with endless stirring.

Obviously after that hour is up, remove from the oven and serve as you desire. This is a large volume recipe, so reduce as appropriate, or make enough to stock up your freezer.

This will also work very well in a slow cooker. Fry the mushrooms etc in the same way as you would at the beginning of this recipe, and then simply dump that and the rest of the ingredients in the slow cooker, and let it do its thing. Remember to stir it every so often so it doesn’t get bored.

I’m sure there is a healthier version of this out there, it’s just I kind of like this one and so I’m sticking to it. Feel free to run with it and make it healthier, but I’m not going to eat it. 😛

On why today is fired..

So a few days ago, I got a shiny new toy that replaced my dead slow cooker, which had served me well. Anyway, I tried the new toy for the first time today, and it did not go to plan. In fact, things went a tad awry.

The infernal shitbox.
The offending contraption: Pressure King Pro. 

That’s from me instawank account if you hadn’t guessed. I was all kinds of excited to try it, I’d prepared the turkey and veg etc, and I was waiting for it to pressurise…

…and waiting.

…and waiting.

AND WAITING.

Did it pressurise? Did it fuck. Of course it didn’t. Why would it do as it’s supposed to, when it can piss me off and bugger up my dinner? Yes of course the valve was closed, I did everything right, it’s just Sod’s law dictates that whenever Alex gets a shiny new toy, inevitably something will go amiss. S’true.

Tomorrow it is going back to Amazon, whereupon I shall be issued with a refund with which I will procure myself a replacement slow cooker, because this will teach me to try and buy a fancy appliance that can apparently do everything but give yer dad a blow-job. Turns out it doesn’t do owt but sit there like cheese at fourpence.

My other issue was the fact that alongside faffing with a faulty unit, I was also putting together one of my favourite cakes, a lemon and basil cake. I’ve made it before, turned out lovely. This time however, not so much. I am unsure as to which part I buggered up in my distraction with the Pressure King Pro debacle, but I ended up with a sunken cake. THE HORROR.

That’s not a turd in the middle of my cake batter by the way, it’s basil purée.
It looked so nice before it went in’t oven.

So not only did my dinner not go to plan, but my cake ended up looking like a squishy crater. It tasted fantastic though, so what does Alex do when a cake doesn’t go to plan?

They turn it upside down, throw custard at it, and turn it into a pudding. I was too grumpy to take a photo, I’m sure you’ll survive not seeing one.