Yes GRUMBLE, because I have had a banging headache for the last two days.
I follow Jack Monroe because frankly, they are a bloody legend. My effort here is directly inspired by their recent crumble recipe, although I’m not vegan (sorry Jack!) and I switched it up a little bit because I had bloody tons of oats, and I really bloody love the aforementioned oats.
I bought the berries frozen because they were on offer on a two for reduced price deal, that my addled fucking brain has completely forgotten. I sprinkled them with sugar, and let them sit overnight until they had defrosted and were sitting in their juices.
My topping went like this:
Four cups of dry oats.
3tblsp set honey.
3tblsp peanut butter.
All you need to do, is melt the butter, honey, and peanut butter in a pan large enough to mix the oats into. When everything is melted and combined, tip the oats in and make sure they’re all saturated.
Press down on top of the berry mixture, and bake in the oven for half an hour, on a medium heat. I have also forgotten what temperature I set my oven to, because fibromyalgia is kicking my arse, and I’ve had a crushing headache for the last two days. I am appallingly useless at times.
Serve with ice-cream, custard, cream, or whatever you’d like, even if you’re really weird and you want ketchup on it.
You can tell it’s Sunday, because I’ve gotten as far as onions, basil, garlic, and I’ve forgotten what else I put in there. I’m floating around my flat like some kind of fucking drooling DOOMCLOUD. 🤤 🧠🤪
You can use this mixture to make bath bombs, but left loose they’re good for use as moisturising bath salts.
2 cups bicarbonate of soda.
1 cup of Epsom salts.
1 cup of citric acid crystals.
1 cup of corn flour.
6tblsp coconut oil, melted.
2tblsp olive oil.
Your choice of essential oils twenty to thirty drops should do it.
Food colouring – again your own choice. I used red and wellllll it came out pink because I didn’t have quite enough left. SHITBALLS.
Combine all the powdery stuff in a bowl. Melt yer coconut oil in a double boiler or microwave if you have one. Mine died and I didn’t bother replacing it. Add the olive oil to the melted coconut oil, as well as your chosen essential oils. Make sure they’re mixed together well. You can also add your chosen food colouring to the oils if you’d like, but be aware that sometimes they don’t melt into the oil, but rather turn into little blobs. You can add the colouring to the dry mix before or after the oil because it will all mix together eventually.
Pour the melted oils and colouring into the dry mix, it’ll fizz a little bit but that’s fine. Using a utensil or your fingers (I’d wear a disposable glove if I were you) combine everything until you get a result like this:
You’ll know it’s done properly when you squeeze it together, and it sticks. You can then store the salts in a sealed container. I broke my last large storage jar like a proper dickhead, so this time they went into three plastic boxes until I replace me jar. Now, be aware that because this has coconut oil in it, the salts will need shaking up a bit each time you use them, which really is entirely reasonable and not the end of the world. If they stick a lot, just STAB THEM with something pointy – this is particularly enjoyable if you like that sort of thing like me. Just ignore the screams. Stabstabstab.
If you’re making bath bombs with this, all you need to do is spoon the mixture into your chosen moulds, and shove in the freezer for a bit. They will actually set just fine in a cool room over an hour or so, but if you want them faster, use your freezer. Just take any body parts out first, you know, to make room.
I felt that 3am-ish was the perfect time for me to fuck about in the kitchen and make the aforementioned cookies. This recipe makes cookies that when cool, are slightly crispy on the outside, but nice and chewy when you sink yer teeth into them.
Believe me I made more than four of these delicious little fuckers, I baked a batch of six, and left the rest of the dough in the fridge overnight just in case I need more cookies tomorrow. Obviously I’m going to need more cookies tomorrow, or else I might die. It could absolutely happen.
Pre-heat yer oven to 180°C/350°F/Gas Mark 4.
100g caster sugar.
165g muscovado sugar.
115g unsalted butter, or equivalent, softened.
1/2 bicarbonate of soda.
155g plain flour.
1tsp vanilla essence or extract.
100g chocolate chips – milk or dark work best with this combination.
1/4 tube of chilli purée – my tube was an 80g Gia brand. You can adjust this depending on how much you like chilli. I like my tastebuds, so I don’t use the whole thing obviously.
Wang the sugars and butter into a bowl, and cream thoroughly. Add the egg, vanilla, bicarbonate, and chilli purée, and combine thoroughly. Spoon in the flour and salt gradually, and finally add whichever chocolate chips you’ve chosen, making sure they’re spread properly unless you want a set of wonky cookies. I mean you might, that’s entirely up to you.
Cover the bowl, and stuff it in the fridge for thirty minutes. After the dough has chilled out for a while, take it out and spoon it onto a greased baking tray, giving each blob of dough plenty of room because these buggers like to spread. Bake for fifteen minutes.
When they’re done, allow to cool a bit before stuffing them in yer gob. I lasted about thirty seconds before I picked one up and crammed one in, because I’m an unabashed oinklet.
Insert obligatory drooling noises here. You should get about twelve cookies out of this lot.
..I am being sabotaged by UTEROSA FURIOSA and feel like I’ve been kicked in the snatch, so I grumped about in the kitchen and threw together my easy noodle bowl because I really cannot be arsed to do anything more.
It’s basically a packet of Nissin sesame ramen, chicken, onions, sweet corn, and crushed chilli spiced olive oil. Apparently when you dump a small jar of crushed chilli in a bottle of olive oil, it makes a wonderfully spiced combination that makes the oil go red.
Just don’t be a twat and get any in your eye like I did. 🙄
Not gonna lie. This is not good for if you’re on a diet, or you don’t like dairy filled soups. It’s the kind of soup you serve as a starter before a fancy dinner, but only in small amounts so nobody has mushroom soup coma before the main course, unless you’re eating it AS a main course with a mountain of bread, like I do.
Apologies for the size of the photo, instawank was being awkward on my personal account, and I couldn’t share it to my kitchenfuckery account without resorting to a simple screenshot. Fucking technology.
Pre heat yer oven to 180°C/350°F/Gas Mark 4.
One 300g punnet of button mushrooms.
Four large flat mushrooms.
250ml of vegetable stock – cubes or bullion work fine, made with boiling water.
1tbsp of garlic purée or equivalent.
A bunch of scallions – seven shoots in my last bunch which is perfect.
1dstspn cracked black pepper, or more if you are some kind of pepper fetishist.
1dstspn salt, or to your taste requirements.
1ltr semi skimmed milk.
1tsp (heaped) of corn flour.
Half a 75g tube of Just Add Basil purée, or you know, 37.5g like a normal person would say. 🙄
Grab your frying pan/wok/variation thereof, and add to it the butter, salt, pepper, garlic, basil, and heat gently. Chop and add the scallions, doing the same with the button mushrooms. Allow to fry and be saturated with the glorious buttery goodness.
Chop your large flat mushrooms into chunks, the point of adding these is so you have some decent body to your soup. Chuck them in the pan as well, and let everything mingle and smell good, whilst trying to resist eating everything. That bit might be really hard, especially if you’re me.
Grab a large pan preferably with a lid, large enough to hold the volume of liquid outlined, or you will make a dreadful fucking mess. Transfer the contents of your frying pan to it, and add your litre of milk, and 250ml vegetable stock. Stir thoroughly until things are starting to get along with one another nicely. Do not let this boil, you’ll balls it up.
Dissolve your heaped teaspoon of cornflour into a small cup of cold water, and add to the pan, continuing to stir so you don’t get huge glomps of floury horror-shite in the pan. Dump in the entire carton of cream, still stirring like some kind of mad person. When the soup starts to thicken, take off the heat and transfer into the oven with your pan lid on (make sure there are no plastic bits on it folks), and allow to heat through for an hour. This means you’re not standing for ages in front of your hob, going silently mad with endless stirring.
Obviously after that hour is up, remove from the oven and serve as you desire. This is a large volume recipe, so reduce as appropriate, or make enough to stock up your freezer.
This will also work very well in a slow cooker. Fry the mushrooms etc in the same way as you would at the beginning of this recipe, and then simply dump that and the rest of the ingredients in the slow cooker, and let it do its thing. Remember to stir it every so often so it doesn’t get bored.
I’m sure there is a healthier version of this out there, it’s just I kind of like this one and so I’m sticking to it. Feel free to run with it and make it healthier, but I’m not going to eat it. 😛