Fat Cakes for Birds! 🐦

Apparently I decided 03:00AM was the time to do this. It’s getting colder and colder, and you can help feed wildlife by making fat cakes for them to chomp on.

FAAAAAAAAAAAT

Shit you’ll need:

  • Lard or coconut oil, melted.
  • 1cup of Polenta.
  • 1cup of cooked pasta, sliced up into small pieces.
  • 1cup of mixed seeds.

You can also add peanut butter, preferably smooth, currants, sultanas, uncooked oats, and cheese. Melt your fat source down, and add the rest of your ingredients. I don’t actually have anything ball shaped I can use for this right now, so I’ve put it in tubs to set, and I’ll cut it into cubes to put outside.

I know they don’t look fantastic, but the birds will luuuurve you.

Don’t use any animal fat for this, especially not turkey fat. It coats feathers in the wrong way and stops tweeters from flying, as well as spreading disease. Lard or coconut oil are absolutely your best options.

You can leave them to set in a cool place like your fridge, or in my case my kitchen windowsill because it’s cold on there.

Apricot & Stilton Biscuits

My brain is a very weird place. I dream very vividly, always have. During one of my more bizarre headfuck dreams last night, I apparently found the desire to bake apricot and Stilton biscuits. The British kind, not the odd American kind that seem to be scones under another name. This was a total guess experiment, and I love combining sweet with savoury so here’s what happened.

There were six, but I ate one so then there were five.

Shit you’ll need:

  • 1cup plain flour.
  • 1tsp salt.
  • 1tsp cracked black pepper.
  • 1tsp garlic powder.
  • Half tsp bicarbonate of soda or baking powder.
  • 1 large egg or equivalent in egg replacer (I used egg replacer).
  • 3/4cup of oil – I used 50/50 olive oil and vegetable oil.
  • One massive dollop of apricot jam about 2tblspns.
  • 100g Stilton cheese, crumbled.

Combine all your dry ingredients, making sure they’re properly mingled otherwise everything will be upset. We simply cannot have improperly mingled dry ingredients. Drizzle your oil in a bit at a time until the mixture starts to stick and go a bit breadcrumb-y. If you’re using an egg and not egg replacer, add it now.

Dump your dollop of apricot jam into the mix, and crumbled Stilton. I used to fork to mash it all together until it turned into a stiff (childish laughter) dough.

Six on me well used baking tray.

Scoop and press lumps of dough into a lined baking tray, making sure you use a bit of oil to grease. Bake for fifteen to eighteen minutes until golden brown, in the centre of an oven on a medium heat. Mine were ready in fifteen because I have one of those fan assisted contraptions.

They’re great for just shoving in yer gob, or eating with soup or stew instead of bread. This will yield twelve, but I only have a small baking tray so I had to bake them in two batches.

Chewy Chocolate Chip Cookies 🍪

This is not my recipe, it’s one I’ve slightly altered for my own tastes. The original recipe is HERE.

I used egg replacer, and substituted the packed brown sugar for muscovado sugar, and the standard sugar for icing sugar. If you want a dairy free option, try using coconut oil or vegetable oil in place of the butter, either will work. Using a high cocoa content dark chocolate will be fine to keep any milk out of the process. I’ve said before that I keep egg replacer in my cupboards because it’s very economical to do so for the price.

It was so bloody hard NOT to just scoff allllll the dough.

The first six.

My kitchen smelled fucking amazing with these baking. The last photo is a pile of eleven, because obviously I had to scoff a warm cookie when they were ready, duh.

Soooooo chewy.

DIY Toilet Fizzbombs 🚽

There’s a fair amount of clean loo products out there, but apparently one of the things of the now, are things that fizz and give off fragrance. Fair dos, I mean who wants a nasty shitbox?

If you look at the ingredients, the tablets are essentially similar to bath bombs, except yer chucking them down the loo. I use coconut oil in my bath bombs, but you shouldn’t do that with this unless you want a blocked and slimy bog. These substances are safe to mix, and there is no bleach involved.

Shit you’ll need:

  • Moulds of some description, something with small sections. Silicone chocolate moulds or ice cube trays are good ideas. If you only have larger moulds, then you can cut the tablets to size after.
  • 1cup of bicarbonate of soda.
  • Half a cup of Epsom salts.
  • Half a cup of citric acid crystals.
  • A BASIC liquid surfactant, such as washing up liquid, an anti bacterial one is a good idea.
  • This is OPTIONAL, but if you want them to be fragrant then you’ll need to add either fragrances suitable for use in soaps etc, or your favourite essential oils. Ten drops of oil or the equivalent in fragrances.

This will make a large amount of fizzies, because this combination puffs up like fuck. That’s kind of the point. You combine all the dry ingredients, and slowly drizzle your chosen liquid soap in SMALL AMOUNTS until it fluffs up. When you have finished with the soap, add your chosen scents if you’re adding any.

Yes it might LOOK like meringue, but please don’t eat it because you’ll be quite sick, and you’ll also look a bit silly.

It will shrink down when you mix it, but left to sit it swells again. It is for that reason that you only need to put a very small amount in your moulds as it will end up like this if you overfill:

You can also cover the tray with waxed paper and weight if you find it just won’t stop mutating.

Fill a box with water to act as a weight if needs be.

Ideally you’ll leave the mixture overnight to set properly. Once they are set, throw one down the loo and watch it fizz it’s arse off. They’re also great for shoving down plug holes as a freshener.

I pressed them with a spoon, but they puffed up a bit more.

…aaaaand here they are in action down the bog:

I s’pose if you wanted to you could add food colouring if you want colour in your fizzy shitbox, but that’s up to you.

Mushroom Coriander & Lime Soup 🍄 🌿 🥣

You can use fresh or bottled ingredients for this, you work with what you’ve got. You can also substitute lime for lemon if you’d like.

Shit you’ll need:

  • 300g chopped mushrooms or equivalent in canned or frozen.
  • 2tblspns lime or lemon juice. You can also include the zest if you’re using fresh fruit.
  • 2tsp dried coriander, or equivalent.
  • 500ML vegetable stock.
  • 1tsp salt.
  • 1tsp powdered garlic.
  • A chopped onion.
  • 2tsps cracked black pepper.
  • 2tblspns olive oil.
  • 1tblspn of Worcester sauce.

You can either either enjoy this soup blended or chunky. Everything can go in all at once into your slow cooker for around ninety minutes on auto. It also works well served over rice if you choose not to whizz the fuck out of it, or enjoyed from a large mug if you do.

If you want a creamier soup, add a can of coconut milk, or your desired equivalent.

Potato & Cheddar Cheese Soup 🥔 🧀 🥣

This is pure comfort food, cheese and carbs.

Shit you’ll need:

  • Some spuds, or instant mash flakes. Use two large potatoes per person. I leave the skins on.
  • A chopped onion.
  • 750ML vegetable stock.
  • 1tsp cracked black pepper.
  • 1tsp garlic.
  • 1tsp English mustard.
  • 1.5 cups of medium to mature cheddar cheese.
  • 2tblspns of olive oil.
  • Optional: mixed herbs.

If you’re using instant mash this will take less time. If you’re using raw potatoes, you’ll need to cut them into small chunks, and shove them in your slow cooker with the stock first of all. I don’t feel you need to add salt to this recipe because the cheese will have plenty of salt in, as will the vegetable stock.

If you’re working with raw potatoes, add everything but the cheese and cook on auto for as long as they need to soften. If you want to keep the soup chunky, just add the cheese and allow to melt for a further half an hour. If you want a smoother soup, whizz the fuck out of the soup in a food processor before returning it to your slow cooker and adding the cheese.

If you choose to add herbs, add them with the vegetable stock, or you can sprinkle them on top of the soup when you serve it.

Lemon & Rice Soup 🍋 🍚 🥣

I am approaching the end of my November soup challenge. I did use previously posted soup recipes as part of the thirty days, but I will admit I have enjoyed creating mess in my kitchen and having soup at the end of it. Yesterday I used pasta, and today I’m using rice. Lemon is bloody lovely in savoury dishes, and this mishmash is inspired by asian cuisine, and I cannot wait to shove it in me gob.

Shit you’ll need:

  • 2cups of rice, doesn’t matter if it’s long grain or basmati, use whatever you have available.
  • 4tblspns of concentrated lemon juice.
  • 2tsp dried flaked chilli.
  • 1tsp salt.
  • 1tsp ground ginger.
  • 1tsp garlic.
  • 1tsp cracked black pepper.
  • A chopped onion.
  • 2tblspns olive oil.
  • 1ltr vegetable stock.
  • 1 can of coconut milk (400g).

If you have fresh lemons, you could grate and add the zest into the mix, but I don’t so I’m using concentrated stuff.

Add everything to your slow cooker aside from the coconut milk. Allow it to cook through until the rice is softened, it will take a couple of hours most likely on auto. Add the coconut milk, and allow to heat through for another half an hour. If you want a spicier soup, increase the amount of chilli you use, or add some other hot stuff of your choosing. It’ll produce a beautifully aromatic and spicy filling soup.