Butterbeans & rice

Hello yes I am still alive. Sort of. I’ve been seriously lacking in the cooking department, and I really needed some comfort food today. Once again I took inspiration from Jack Monroe, and made my own version of their risotto, but again it’s not vegan. I love my dairy dammit.

Before I cooked them obviously..

I started off with my slow cooker, and whilst I would normally use dry ingredients, I resorted to canned butterbeans and a pouch of microwave rice because I needed to do this with minimum faffing. Of course if you want to use dry stuff you can, just make sure you’ve cooked them properly before you do this.

Shite I put in there:

(Sorry I’m having a really bad month).
  • A 420g tin of butterbeans.
  • A pouch of microwave brown rice.
  • 1dstspn of coarse black pepper.
  • Salt to taste.
  • 1tsp cumin seeds.
  • 3tsp turmeric.
  • 1tsp crushed chillis.
  • 1tsp garlic granules.
  • Half a chopped onion.
  • 100ml maple syrup.
  • 150g butter, or equivalent.
  • 500ml milk, or equivalent.
  • 200ml cream, or equivalent.

I threw the onions, salt, pepper, chilli, turmeric, garlic, cumin seeds, in the slow cooker first, added the butter and let it heat up to melt and combine. You’ll want to add your rice and butterbeans on top of this, and stir it all up.

Add the milk, cream, and maple syrup, making sure it’s all properly mingled or whatever word you want to use. I left it on the ‘auto’ mode of my slow cooker for an hour and a half, and my kitchen smelled absolutely fantastic. I really needed something warm and soft, and this really was it. You could easily make this in a pan on your stove top, but using a slow cooker means you can leave it on its own rather than standing with it. You could probably get away with doing it in a covered casserole dish in the oven too, if you don’t want to stand over it, but don’t have a slow cooker.

Right before I shoved it in me gob.

This was my finished product. I dunno what prompted me to add the maple syrup, but I’m glad I did. Everything worked so well, and to make it vegan all you’d have to do is substitute the dairy. I would probably use almond or oat milk & coconut cream, and you could use oils instead of butter.

Indulgent as fuck cream of mushroom soup 🥣 🍄

Not gonna lie. This is not good for if you’re on a diet, or you don’t like dairy filled soups. It’s the kind of soup you serve as a starter before a fancy dinner, but only in small amounts so nobody has mushroom soup coma before the main course, unless you’re eating it AS a main course with a mountain of bread, like I do.

BEHOLD.

Apologies for the size of the photo, instawank was being awkward on my personal account, and I couldn’t share it to my kitchenfuckery account without resorting to a simple screenshot. Fucking technology.

Pre heat yer oven to 180°C/350°F/Gas Mark 4.

Ingredients:

  • One 300g punnet of button mushrooms.
  • Four large flat mushrooms.
  • 250g butter.
  • 250ml of vegetable stock – cubes or bullion work fine, made with boiling water.
  • 1tbsp of garlic purée or equivalent.
  • A bunch of scallions – seven shoots in my last bunch which is perfect.
  • 1dstspn cracked black pepper, or more if you are some kind of pepper fetishist.
  • 1dstspn salt, or to your taste requirements.
  • 1ltr semi skimmed milk.
  • 600g cream.
  • 1tsp (heaped) of corn flour.
  • Half a 75g tube of Just Add Basil purée, or you know, 37.5g like a normal person would say. 🙄

Grab your frying pan/wok/variation thereof, and add to it the butter, salt, pepper, garlic, basil, and heat gently. Chop and add the scallions, doing the same with the button mushrooms. Allow to fry and be saturated with the glorious buttery goodness.

Chop your large flat mushrooms into chunks, the point of adding these is so you have some decent body to your soup. Chuck them in the pan as well, and let everything mingle and smell good, whilst trying to resist eating everything. That bit might be really hard, especially if you’re me.

Grab a large pan preferably with a lid, large enough to hold the volume of liquid outlined, or you will make a dreadful fucking mess. Transfer the contents of your frying pan to it, and add your litre of milk, and 250ml vegetable stock. Stir thoroughly until things are starting to get along with one another nicely. Do not let this boil, you’ll balls it up.

Dissolve your heaped teaspoon of cornflour into a small cup of cold water, and add to the pan, continuing to stir so you don’t get huge glomps of floury horror-shite in the pan. Dump in the entire carton of cream, still stirring like some kind of mad person. When the soup starts to thicken, take off the heat and transfer into the oven with your pan lid on (make sure there are no plastic bits on it folks), and allow to heat through for an hour. This means you’re not standing for ages in front of your hob, going silently mad with endless stirring.

Obviously after that hour is up, remove from the oven and serve as you desire. This is a large volume recipe, so reduce as appropriate, or make enough to stock up your freezer.

This will also work very well in a slow cooker. Fry the mushrooms etc in the same way as you would at the beginning of this recipe, and then simply dump that and the rest of the ingredients in the slow cooker, and let it do its thing. Remember to stir it every so often so it doesn’t get bored.

I’m sure there is a healthier version of this out there, it’s just I kind of like this one and so I’m sticking to it. Feel free to run with it and make it healthier, but I’m not going to eat it. 😛

Roasted butternut squash

This is piss easy, apart from the bit where you have to slice the fucker in half.

Ingredients:

  • One fresh butternut squash.
  • Coarse sea salt.
  • Cracked black pepper.
  • Olive oil.
  • Grated cheese – you decide the strength, and how much you want.

Preheat your oven to 180°C/350°F/Gas Mark 4.

Grab a massive knife, and slice the squash lengthways down the middle. Since this can be a bit of a pain in the tits, place a folded tea-towel over the top of the knife blade when you’re pressing down to slice. Do the same with the handle if you’re concerned about your grip.

Scoop out the seeds, and discard unless you’re planning on using them for something else. Score the flesh of your squash with your knife, and smear it generously with your oil, including the skin. Do this for both halves, obviously.

Sprinkle both halves with salt and pepper, and grease the inside of a baking dish with more oil. Lay the two halves skin-down in your dish, and roast in the oven for an hour, or until you can sink a knife into the flesh without even trying. Yes, I like saying the word flesh. FLESH. Flesh.

When the two halves are ready, you can either leave the halves intact, and add the cheese on top, to scoop out as you go along, OR you can scoop the lot out, add a little more oil and top with cheese in a bowl like so:

Butternut glory

The skins are fucking wonderful by the way, chewy and flavourful. Scoff the lot, and then lay there bloated like some manner of squash powered warthog.