Mushroom and chickpea soup 🍄 🥣

This soup didn’t actually start off as soup. I’d thrown a ton of stuff in my slow cooker the night before, and after realising how good it tasted I thought I’d turn the rest into the aforementioned soup.

It’s cooled right down after that fucking horrible heatwave, so now I can use my slow cooker to create soup experiments to my heart’s content.

Shit you’ll need:

  • A punnet of mushrooms, sliced (300g).
  • A can of chickpeas (400g).
  • 1tsp rosemary.
  • 1tsp basil purée or dried basil.
  • 1tsp salt.
  • 1 vegetable stock cube.
  • 2tsp cracked black pepper.
  • 2tblspns pesto.
  • 1tblsp lime juice.
  • 1tsp garlic purée or powdered garlic.
  • 1tblsp mushroom ketchup.
  • 100g of butter, or equivalent.
  • 1 pint of water.

All you do – is dump the lot into a slow cooker, give it a stir, and let it do its thing on the ‘auto’ setting for a couple of hours. Now, before putting the leftovers of this into the blender for soup, I had the first half with some steamed rice. I don’t have a photo of that, because I was HANGRY, and I was too busy shoving it in me gob. Here’s what it looked like after I whizzed the fuck out of in my blender for two minutes:


Yes I KNOW it LOOKS like explosive baby poo, but it tastes bloody fantastic I promise you. I put it back in the slow cooker and let it heat up for an hour.

I also roasted some chopped vegetables sprayed with olive oil in the oven to go with it, so here is my obligatory fancy photo with the veg:


You can serve it with whatever you like obviously.

Spiced tomato bean soup 🥣

Inspired by Miguel Barclay’s recipe, I made this earlier using my slow cooker:

I threw this together after I’d been out for the best part of the day doing boring but entirely necessary things. Using my slow cooker meant I could sit the fuck down for a while and give my knees and hips a rest since they are currently really, really fucking mad at me.


  • A jar of passata.
  • A tin of black beans.
  • A tin of sweetcorn.
  • Half an onion, chopped. I use frozen onions because I fucking hate chopping onions, and they’re cheap.
  • 1tsp salt.
  • 1tsp garlic powder or equivalent.
  • 1tsp oregano.
  • 1tsp basil.
  • 1tsp crushed chilli flakes.
  • 1tsp paprika.
  • 1tsp cayenne.
  • 1tblsp olive oil.

I bunged all of that in my slow cooker, making sure it was properly combined, and then set it to auto for an hour. I checked it and gave it a stir, and then left it on low for another hour.

I didn’t have any, crème fraîche so I dumped a blob of cream cheese in it, but if you want to keep it vegan, you don’t have to, OR add a vegan equivalent. It has yielded enough soup for several meals, and it’s got a little kick to it that suits my tastes. You can add hotter spices as your tastes desire, I just don’t have a cast iron gob.

This would also work really nicely as a sauce for pouring over pasta.

Indulgent as fuck cream of mushroom soup 🥣 🍄

Not gonna lie. This is not good for if you’re on a diet, or you don’t like dairy filled soups. It’s the kind of soup you serve as a starter before a fancy dinner, but only in small amounts so nobody has mushroom soup coma before the main course, unless you’re eating it AS a main course with a mountain of bread, like I do.


Apologies for the size of the photo, instawank was being awkward on my personal account, and I couldn’t share it to my kitchenfuckery account without resorting to a simple screenshot. Fucking technology.

Pre heat yer oven to 180°C/350°F/Gas Mark 4.


  • One 300g punnet of button mushrooms.
  • Four large flat mushrooms.
  • 250g butter.
  • 250ml of vegetable stock – cubes or bullion work fine, made with boiling water.
  • 1tbsp of garlic purée or equivalent.
  • A bunch of scallions – seven shoots in my last bunch which is perfect.
  • 1dstspn cracked black pepper, or more if you are some kind of pepper fetishist.
  • 1dstspn salt, or to your taste requirements.
  • 1ltr semi skimmed milk.
  • 600g cream.
  • 1tsp (heaped) of corn flour.
  • Half a 75g tube of Just Add Basil purée, or you know, 37.5g like a normal person would say. 🙄

Grab your frying pan/wok/variation thereof, and add to it the butter, salt, pepper, garlic, basil, and heat gently. Chop and add the scallions, doing the same with the button mushrooms. Allow to fry and be saturated with the glorious buttery goodness.

Chop your large flat mushrooms into chunks, the point of adding these is so you have some decent body to your soup. Chuck them in the pan as well, and let everything mingle and smell good, whilst trying to resist eating everything. That bit might be really hard, especially if you’re me.

Grab a large pan preferably with a lid, large enough to hold the volume of liquid outlined, or you will make a dreadful fucking mess. Transfer the contents of your frying pan to it, and add your litre of milk, and 250ml vegetable stock. Stir thoroughly until things are starting to get along with one another nicely. Do not let this boil, you’ll balls it up.

Dissolve your heaped teaspoon of cornflour into a small cup of cold water, and add to the pan, continuing to stir so you don’t get huge glomps of floury horror-shite in the pan. Dump in the entire carton of cream, still stirring like some kind of mad person. When the soup starts to thicken, take off the heat and transfer into the oven with your pan lid on (make sure there are no plastic bits on it folks), and allow to heat through for an hour. This means you’re not standing for ages in front of your hob, going silently mad with endless stirring.

Obviously after that hour is up, remove from the oven and serve as you desire. This is a large volume recipe, so reduce as appropriate, or make enough to stock up your freezer.

This will also work very well in a slow cooker. Fry the mushrooms etc in the same way as you would at the beginning of this recipe, and then simply dump that and the rest of the ingredients in the slow cooker, and let it do its thing. Remember to stir it every so often so it doesn’t get bored.

I’m sure there is a healthier version of this out there, it’s just I kind of like this one and so I’m sticking to it. Feel free to run with it and make it healthier, but I’m not going to eat it. 😛

Broccoli, potato & Stilton soup 🥣

This soup is the reason I don’t have an awful lot of room in my freezer right now. I *accidentally made an alarming amount of it, and now it’s EVERYWHERE.


This is very indulgent, but you could make it less so and more healthy if you tweaked the ingredients a bit. I didn’t want to do that, obviously. This recipe makes a very large pan of soup, I have no idea how many litres because I’m clearly a savage who doesn’t know what size my own pans are. Sorry.


  • Three large spuds, UNPEELED. DO NOT PEEL THEM. STOP IT.
  • Two large heads of broccoli OR the equivalent of frozen florets.
  • 150g of Stilton cheese.
  • A bunch of scallions OR one large onion, chopped. My last bunch of scallions contained seven shoots or whatever they’re called.
  • 1dstspn of cracked black pepper, heaped.
  • 1dstspn of garlic purée or equivalent. Fresh garlic or garlic granules are fine, obviously.
  • Salt – to your own taste. Remember Stilton has a decent amount of flavour already.
  • 1ltr of boiling water.
  • 300ml of milk OR single cream depending on how indulgent you want to be.
  • 1tsp corn flour, heaped.
  • 1 squodge of olive oil, or your personal choice of oil for frying.

Chop your unpeeled spuds into chunks, and drop into your litre of boiling water. Let them boil their arses off until they’re soft. Whilst they’re partying in the water (ignore any shrieking), put your garlic, scallions/onions, salt, and black pepper in a shallow pan of your choice, and fry up with your squodge of olive oil. Yes that’s a technical term. I actually put my olive oil in a spray bottle for using whilst frying, because bollocks to paying extra for fancy aerosol oil. Three decent sprays equals ONE SQUODGE. Stir slowly over a medium heat until the onions are just beginning to brown, and then take off the heat. Put to one side.

Mash the softened spuds in the water, and add your broccoli. If you used frozen broccoli, let the mixture heat up again before adding the rest of your ingredients.

Stir the oiled onion/garlic/salt and pepper in with the potatoes and broccoli. Keep stirring it until everything is melted together nicely. Allow to simmer until the broccoli starts to soften and break down. Your potato and their skins should have fallen apart by now, which is exactly what you want. It’s entirely up to you, but at this point you can add your teaspoon of corn flour to a small amount of milk or cold water, and throw into the pan to help things thicken nicely.

When your broccoli has reached optimum squish point (another technical term), mash the contents of the pan a bit more. The skins from the potato and the black pepper should give it a lovely pale colour. This is when grab your Stilton wedge, and crumble it into the pan a bit at a time. Allow to melt for a minute or two.

Pour and stir in your milk or cream. This part is totally optional if you don’t want a heavy creamy soup, but I always do, so in it goes.

I can’t always stand with the soup for the time I like it to simmer for (stupid joint/back fuckery), so I tend to put my oven on before I start the whole process, and then shove my pan in there for an hour on a low heat, so I can sit down and recharge. If you CAN stand with it, it’ll only need about half an hour on a medium heat before it’s ready to slurp in yer gob. Either choice means it thickens up nicely and your kitchen will smell fucking fantastic.

When it’s ready, serve with a bread of your choice, or just drink it from the bowl like a heathen. Obviously you can tweak the recipe for different quantities, but you will have plenty of soup using these measurements for days when you aren’t able, or don’t want to cook. I always have a stock of soups in my freezer for when my pain levels are hideous and I can’t stand for long.

*not so much accidentally.