Sweet Corn & Onion Broth 🌽

Non veggiesaurus folks could add chicken or crabmeat to this if they wanted to, I’m not going to do that obviously. 😛

There IS sweetcorn in there, honest guv’nor.

Shit you’ll need:

  • Two large chopped onions.
  • 500ML boiling water.
  • A large can of sweetcorn (mine was 326g).
  • 1tsp salt.
  • 1tblspn of olive oil.
  • 2 vegetable stock cubes.
  • 1tsp Knorr Aromat seasoning.
  • 1tsp thyme.
  • 1tsp garlic powder.

Everything goes in the slow cooker all at once, on a low heat for two hours. This is made to be sipped carefully from large mugs, or a deep bowl wrapped in a tea towel, and held in your hands.

Don’t spill it down yer front like a twat though. It burns. Trust me on that. 🥴

If you decide to add meat, make sure you cook it through properly before you add it to the broth.

Beetroot & Tomato 🍅 Soup 🥣

I will say right off the bat that I’m not a huge fan of beetroot, but I’m trying to make different things, and experiment. This creates a glossy and zingy soup that you don’t want to spill on anything white.

Initial shoving stuff in the slow cooker stage.

Shit you’ll need:

  • Passata (mine was a 680g bottle from Ocado).
  • 250ML boiling water.
  • 175g of sliced beetroot.
  • A chopped onion.
  • 1tsp salt.
  • 1dstspn cracked black pepper.
  • 1tblspn Worcester sauce.
  • 1tsp flaked chilli.
  • 1tblspn olive oil.
  • 2 vegetable stock cubes.
  • 1tsp cayenne pepper.
  • 1tsp paprika.
  • 1tsp garlic powder or equivalent.
  • A can of coconut milk, 400g.

I’m not keen on lumps in my cooked tomato, hence why I use passata. Lumpy warm tomato is fucking horrid . 🤮

There is enough fluid in the passata to reduce the amount of water you need for this soup. Add all the ingredients to the slow cooker, aside from the coconut milk. After you’ve made sure everything has melted, turn it to auto for an hour.

After an hour, add the coconut milk and leave on low for another hour. The soup will turn a beautiful incarnadine colour that you DEFINITELY don’t want to get on yer best light clothes. I realise I mentioned that already further up. Tough shit. You can’t say you weren’t warned. 😛


I haven’t decided what I’m going to eat this one with yet.

Sweet Potato & Butternut Squash Soup 🥣 🍠

This will take a while to get to soup consistency because butternut squash is a hardass bastard when it wants to be.

Hacking sweet potatoes and butternut squash to bits can be a strain on your hands if you have hands like mine, but knock yourself out if you want to. I got pre chopped stuff this time because I am being a complete clusterfuck and dropping things more than usual this week.

Shit you’ll need:

  • 2 bags of chopped butternut squash & sweet potato (mine were Ocado brand 350g each).
  • 500ML boiling water.
  • 1tsp salt.
  • 1tsp ginger.
  • 1tsp cinnamon.
  • 1dstspn cracked black pepper.
  • 1dstspn flaked chilli.
  • 2 vegetable stock cubes.
  • 1tblspn of olive oil.
  • A can of coconut milk 400g.

Dump the butternut and sweet potato into your slow cooker. Add the seasoning and oil to the boiling water, and stir until melted. Pour into the slow cooker, and leave the contents to cook its bright orange arses off for a couple of hours, on auto.

After a couple of hours, stab a fork into the cubes to see if it’s soft enough to mash up. If it is, you can either do this with a masher, or if you want to be a flash bastard – use a hand blender. Once you’ve mashed it to buggery, add your can of coconut milk, and allow to heat through on low for another forty-five minutes.

Yes I am aware it’s a terrible flash photo.

Serve with whatever the hell you’d like, I’d probably go for garlic and coriander naan bread.

Marrowfat Pea Soup 🥣

One of my lovely instagram followers asked me if I knew a pea soup recipe, so here it is. Full disclosure, I cheated and use canned Marrowfat peas this time, as I had some in the cupboard, and decided to pick those over soaking dry ones to save time.

Shit you’ll need:

  • Two cans of Marrowfat peas (mine were 300g a can).
  • 1 chopped onion.
  • 1tsp garlic powder.
  • 1tsp salt.
  • 1tsp rosemary.
  • 1tsp thyme.
  • 500ML boiling water.
  • 2 vegetable stock cubes.
  • 1dstspn cracked black pepper.
  • 1tblspn of olive oil.
  • A dollop of plain yoghurt, cream, whatever creamy equivalent you want to swirl into your bowl when serving.

Dump both cans of peas in yer slow cooker, including the liquid they’re sitting in. Add the rest of the ingredients in any order you’d like because it doesn’t really matter.

Let it do its thing on auto for an hour, then come back and check and see what its up to. It could be doing anything I dunno, it’s your kitchen and peas, I don’t know what kind of riff-raff you’ve got in there.

The peas have sunk to the bottom. Sorry.

Stir it about a bit. Now – some folks want a smooth pea soup. If that’s what you want, this is point in which you put the contents into a blender or food processor, and whizz the fuck out of it until it’s smooth. It’s going to be hot liquid, so be careful. When you’ve done that, return it to the slow cooker and heat on low for another hour. If like me you don’t give a shit and just want to eat it, leave the soup in the slow cooker for another hour on low, at which point it will be ready to shove in yer gob with some nice bread. Add your dollop of whatever creamy stuff you chose, and swirl it through the soup. It’ll look fancy for about thirty seconds before you ruin things with your spoon.

This was shortly before I threw some of the soup down me front like a twat. I also dropped me bread in it. #WINNING

Spiced Almond and Prune Soup 🥣

This is another one I’ve never done before. I had half a bag of prunes in the fridge and decided to experiment.

Shit you’ll need:

  • 250g pitted prunes.
  • 1 cup of ground almonds.
  • 1tsp salt.
  • 1dstspn cracked black pepper.
  • 1tsp turmeric.
  • 1dstspn dried crushed chilli.
  • 1tsp basil.
  • 1tsp oregano.
  • 1tsp rosemary.
  • 1tsp cayenne.
  • 1tsp paprika.
  • 1dstspn garlic powder.
  • 1tblspn olive oil.
  • 2 vegetable stock cubes.
  • 1 chopped onion.
  • 1 400ML can of coconut milk.
  • 500ML hot water.

This recipe produces quite a thick soup, which could also double as a sauce for cooking chicken or the like, to serve with rice. I kept some in tubs to store in my freezer for exactly that purpose, although it’s more likely to be quorn, or paneer in my case.

I fucking love almonds. I haven’t used them in soup before, but I felt–fuck it– now is as good a time as any. Adding almonds along with prunes is what will thicken this soup up, so you will need lots of liquid, depending on how thick you like it. It’s worth noting that it would work very well to store as condensed soup like Campbell’s, so you can add water or milk after to get it to the desired consistency.

Cut your prunes up so they look like this


Then chuck em in your slow cooker. Sprinkle all the dry ingredients on top, and mash together appropriately. Pour over the coconut milk, mix some more, and then add half the hot water, setting aside the rest. Stir a bit, and set your slow cooker to auto for an hour.

After an hour, check the consistency and add the rest of the water. If you want to use this as sauce, or keep it as concentrated soup to freeze, you might want to leave it as it is. You can also add more coconut milk (or equivalent) instead of the water for a creamier texture. I love using oat milk a lot.

I added more liquid and set it to cook on low for another hour and a half. It is bloody lovely, and tastes even better with naan bread dipped in it.

Rhubarb and Lentil Soup 🥣

I had a can of rhubarb in the cupboard that would have been out of date by the end of the year. Wasting food is not something I do.

I’ve never made a rhubarb based soup before, but Google told me that it seems to go well with lentils. Some recipes called for strawberries and sugar for a cold soup, but I absolutely wanted a savoury soup. As usual, I used a slow cooker.

A mess of ingredients in my slow cooker.

This is seriously fucking good soup.

Shit you’ll need:

  • A can of rhubarb – mine was 560g.
  • 1 cup of lentils.
  • 1 tsp ginger.
  • 1 tsp cinnamon.
  • 1 tsp dill.
  • 1 tsp salt.
  • 1 dstspn cracked black pepper.
  • 1 chopped onion.
  • 2 vegetable stock cubes.
  • 1 tblsp olive oil.
  • 75g of powdered coconut milk, or equivalent.
  • 1 pint of hot water.

You can pre soak the lentils if you want, but to be honest you can just dump them in the slow cooker with the ingredients, and the liquid and heat will do the thing.

Dissolve the coconut milk powder in the water. Shove the rest of the ingredients in the slow cooker, fuck about with it until it looks a bit of a mess, and then pour the liquid on top. Fuck about with it some more until everything is mixed together, and set your slow cooker to high for an hour.

After an hour, and as with most of me soups, check it and give it a good stir. Leave on auto for another hour, or whatever your not high setting is called. Serve with whatever the fuck you like, I went with squishy brown bread rolls.

I will add a decent photo later when I actually stop shoving it in me gob with wild abandon.


Zingy Black Bean & Garlic Casserole/Soup 🥣

Not unlike my mushroom and chickpea soup, this does not start out as a soup. I make a large amount of this in bean casserole form, and then I pulverise half of it in me food processor.

Finally uploaded the photo!

Shit you’ll need parte the firste:

  • One cup of black beans.
  • One cup of black eyed beans.
  • A slow cooker.

Add both cups of beans to a bowl, full and cover with cold water to soak overnight. If you don’t have time for this part, can’t be arsed, or simply don’t want to fuck about pre soaking beans, you can cheat and use canned beans.

Either way, when your beans have finished soaking their arses off, or when you have opened the cans, drain and rinse them thoroughly in cold water, and dump them in your slow cooker.

Shit you’ll need parte the seconde:

  • 500ML hot water.
  • Two vegetable stock cubes.
  • One tsp dried basil.
  • One tsp dried rosemary.
  • One tsp dried oregano.
  • One tsp salt.
  • One dstspn of cracked black pepper.
  • One large chopped onion.
  • One tblspn of garlic powder, or equivalent.
  • One dstspn of Chilli flakes.
  • Two tblspns of nutritional yeast.
  • 150g of coconut milk powder or equivalent.
  • One tblspn of Worcester sauce.
  • One tblspn of lime or lemon juice.
  • One tblspn of sesame oil.

Yes I realise that’s a peculiar list of ingredients, BUT IT WILL BE BURSTING WITH BLOODY FLAVOUR TRUST ME.

Dump alllllll the dry ingredients on top of the beans, and combine until it looks a bit of a mess. Add the wet ingredients and water, and stir until stuff has melted in. Set your slow cooker to auto for an hour, and leave it alone to go and watch something terrible on telly like Jeremy Kyle. I personally favour Judge Rinder. It’s not terrible, IT’S BRILLIANT.

After the hour is up, go and prod the mixture, and do a taste test which will leave yer gob all tingly in the right way. Leave it to simmer for another hour on a low setting.

In casserole form, I serve it with rice, or I hack a crusty bread loaf to bits to dip in it.

To make it into soup, all you have to do is blend the fuck out of it in a food processor, and transfer back into the slow cooker to reheat. This soup is wonderfully tasty, and will keep you lovely and warm. I tend to eat an absurd amount of bread with it, to the point where I am a bloated bread monster with fuck all shame about it.