This soup didn’t actually start off as soup. I’d thrown a ton of stuff in my slow cooker the night before, and after realising how good it tasted I thought I’d turn the rest into the aforementioned soup.
It’s cooled right down after that fucking horrible heatwave, so now I can use my slow cooker to create soup experiments to my heart’s content.
Shit you’ll need:
A punnet of mushrooms, sliced (300g).
A can of chickpeas (400g).
1tsp basil purée or dried basil.
1 vegetable stock cube.
2tsp cracked black pepper.
1tblsp lime juice.
1tsp garlic purée or powdered garlic.
1tblsp mushroom ketchup.
100g of butter, or equivalent.
1 pint of water.
All you do – is dump the lot into a slow cooker, give it a stir, and let it do its thing on the ‘auto’ setting for a couple of hours. Now, before putting the leftovers of this into the blender for soup, I had the first half with some steamed rice. I don’t have a photo of that, because I was HANGRY, and I was too busy shoving it in me gob. Here’s what it looked like after I whizzed the fuck out of in my blender for two minutes:
Yes I KNOW it LOOKS like explosive baby poo, but it tastes bloody fantastic I promise you. I put it back in the slow cooker and let it heat up for an hour.
I also roasted some chopped vegetables sprayed with olive oil in the oven to go with it, so here is my obligatory fancy photo with the veg:
You can serve it with whatever you like obviously.
This is sadly not candlelight food. It’s my lightbulb-just went-as-I-was-taking-a-photo, food. I was presented with a large amount of chopped mushrooms, so I slow cooked them in garlic, salt, cracked black pepper, almond milk, and onions. Bloody lovely. (Fry’s chicken style strips were added later on). It turned out to be accidentally vegan.
For new readers – I’m not vegan and probably won’t ever be. I wholly admit my obsession with CHEESE, and I have tried many cheese alternatives that sadly don’t address my cravings. I am a cheese monster.
I’m having issues with chopping stuff at the moment (fucking stupid hands, honestly) so being given the shrooms already chopped was so helpful. There’s no real science to this combo, all I did was throw unmeasured ingredients in my slow cooker, and let them mingle in a low heat for a few hours. Slow cookers are a fucking miracle to folks like me.
It is currently too fucking hot in the United Kingdom. We are SHIT at summer. Our infrastructure cannot cope – it is actively melting in parts of the country, train lines warping in the heat with signal failures causing massive train delays, especially in London where I hear the underground is like walking into a furnace. One poor bastard got his LEG STUCK IN TARMAC, amongst various grass fires dotted about the country, along with a veritable smorgasbord of stupid sunburnt racist gammons who are currently over celebrating the World Cup. 🙄
We Britons traditionally only get about three days of summer at a time, over several periods during June to September. We may get three or four of these periods, before we miss autumn entirely, and descend straight into the dark and wonderful winters I am currently missing so fucking much because I fucking hate summer. I am photosensitive, and my relationship with bright lights and hot weather is not one of love. This makes summer even more shit for me, and since we have been experiencing an ACTUAL SUMMER, the entire country has collectively shit itself because we do not know what to do with it.
I currently have a visitor with me – who like me loathes the burny thing in the sky. Prior to her visit, we had expected this warm period to have finished by now BUT NO. It bloody isn’t. It’s still going. These nachos were the closest I was getting to cooking because I was in no way going to stand in front of a hot stove and sweat my body weight off in half an hour. Thank fuck for my slow cooker!
I chucked the passata, onions, salt, pepper, crushed chilli, sweet corn, and black beans into the pot, stirred it up to fuck and left it to cook itself into oblivion slowly for about an hour. Like I said, fuck standing in front of a hot stove when my slow cooker can do the work for me. I dumped the bag of tortilla chips in a deep Pyrex dish, sprinkling some of the cheese through them. Once the slow cooker had worked it’s magic, I poured the contents over the chips, and covered the top with the remaining cheese, shoved it in the oven, and let it bake its arse off for twenty minutes.
After twenty minutes, I put two generous portions on top of mixed bagged salad that you bet I absolutely cheated with because I have sod all energy, and finished off with a healthy blob of sour cream. I amazingly managed to scoff my portion WITHOUT dropping any down my front, so I was quite proud of myself on all counts really.
I threw this together after I’d been out for the best part of the day doing boring but entirely necessary things. Using my slow cooker meant I could sit the fuck down for a while and give my knees and hips a rest since they are currently really, really fucking mad at me.
A jar of passata.
A tin of black beans.
A tin of sweetcorn.
Half an onion, chopped. I use frozen onions because I fucking hate chopping onions, and they’re cheap.
1tsp garlic powder or equivalent.
1tsp crushed chilli flakes.
1tblsp olive oil.
I bunged all of that in my slow cooker, making sure it was properly combined, and then set it to auto for an hour. I checked it and gave it a stir, and then left it on low for another hour.
I didn’t have any, crème fraîche so I dumped a blob of cream cheese in it, but if you want to keep it vegan, you don’t have to, OR add a vegan equivalent. It has yielded enough soup for several meals, and it’s got a little kick to it that suits my tastes. You can add hotter spices as your tastes desire, I just don’t have a cast iron gob.
This would also work really nicely as a sauce for pouring over pasta.
Hello yes I am still alive. Sort of. I’ve been seriously lacking in the cooking department, and I really needed some comfort food today. Once again I took inspiration from Jack Monroe, and made my own version of their risotto, but again it’s not vegan. I love my dairy dammit.
I started off with my slow cooker, and whilst I would normally use dry ingredients, I resorted to canned butterbeans and a pouch of microwave rice because I needed to do this with minimum faffing. Of course if you want to use dry stuff you can, just make sure you’ve cooked them properly before you do this.
Shite I put in there:
(Sorry I’m having a really bad month).
A 420g tin of butterbeans.
A pouch of microwave brown rice.
1dstspn of coarse black pepper.
Salt to taste.
1tsp cumin seeds.
1tsp crushed chillis.
1tsp garlic granules.
Half a chopped onion.
100ml maple syrup.
150g butter, or equivalent.
500ml milk, or equivalent.
200ml cream, or equivalent.
I threw the onions, salt, pepper, chilli, turmeric, garlic, cumin seeds, in the slow cooker first, added the butter and let it heat up to melt and combine. You’ll want to add your rice and butterbeans on top of this, and stir it all up.
Add the milk, cream, and maple syrup, making sure it’s all properly mingled or whatever word you want to use. I left it on the ‘auto’ mode of my slow cooker for an hour and a half, and my kitchen smelled absolutely fantastic. I really needed something warm and soft, and this really was it. You could easily make this in a pan on your stove top, but using a slow cooker means you can leave it on its own rather than standing with it. You could probably get away with doing it in a covered casserole dish in the oven too, if you don’t want to stand over it, but don’t have a slow cooker.
This was my finished product. I dunno what prompted me to add the maple syrup, but I’m glad I did. Everything worked so well, and to make it vegan all you’d have to do is substitute the dairy. I would probably use almond or oat milk & coconut cream, and you could use oils instead of butter.
..I am being sabotaged by UTEROSA FURIOSA and feel like I’ve been kicked in the snatch, so I grumped about in the kitchen and threw together my easy noodle bowl because I really cannot be arsed to do anything more.
It’s basically a packet of Nissin sesame ramen, chicken, onions, sweet corn, and crushed chilli spiced olive oil. Apparently when you dump a small jar of crushed chilli in a bottle of olive oil, it makes a wonderfully spiced combination that makes the oil go red.
Just don’t be a twat and get any in your eye like I did. 🙄
Not gonna lie. This is not good for if you’re on a diet, or you don’t like dairy filled soups. It’s the kind of soup you serve as a starter before a fancy dinner, but only in small amounts so nobody has mushroom soup coma before the main course, unless you’re eating it AS a main course with a mountain of bread, like I do.
Apologies for the size of the photo, instawank was being awkward on my personal account, and I couldn’t share it to my kitchenfuckery account without resorting to a simple screenshot. Fucking technology.
Pre heat yer oven to 180°C/350°F/Gas Mark 4.
One 300g punnet of button mushrooms.
Four large flat mushrooms.
250ml of vegetable stock – cubes or bullion work fine, made with boiling water.
1tbsp of garlic purée or equivalent.
A bunch of scallions – seven shoots in my last bunch which is perfect.
1dstspn cracked black pepper, or more if you are some kind of pepper fetishist.
1dstspn salt, or to your taste requirements.
1ltr semi skimmed milk.
1tsp (heaped) of corn flour.
Half a 75g tube of Just Add Basil purée, or you know, 37.5g like a normal person would say. 🙄
Grab your frying pan/wok/variation thereof, and add to it the butter, salt, pepper, garlic, basil, and heat gently. Chop and add the scallions, doing the same with the button mushrooms. Allow to fry and be saturated with the glorious buttery goodness.
Chop your large flat mushrooms into chunks, the point of adding these is so you have some decent body to your soup. Chuck them in the pan as well, and let everything mingle and smell good, whilst trying to resist eating everything. That bit might be really hard, especially if you’re me.
Grab a large pan preferably with a lid, large enough to hold the volume of liquid outlined, or you will make a dreadful fucking mess. Transfer the contents of your frying pan to it, and add your litre of milk, and 250ml vegetable stock. Stir thoroughly until things are starting to get along with one another nicely. Do not let this boil, you’ll balls it up.
Dissolve your heaped teaspoon of cornflour into a small cup of cold water, and add to the pan, continuing to stir so you don’t get huge glomps of floury horror-shite in the pan. Dump in the entire carton of cream, still stirring like some kind of mad person. When the soup starts to thicken, take off the heat and transfer into the oven with your pan lid on (make sure there are no plastic bits on it folks), and allow to heat through for an hour. This means you’re not standing for ages in front of your hob, going silently mad with endless stirring.
Obviously after that hour is up, remove from the oven and serve as you desire. This is a large volume recipe, so reduce as appropriate, or make enough to stock up your freezer.
This will also work very well in a slow cooker. Fry the mushrooms etc in the same way as you would at the beginning of this recipe, and then simply dump that and the rest of the ingredients in the slow cooker, and let it do its thing. Remember to stir it every so often so it doesn’t get bored.
I’m sure there is a healthier version of this out there, it’s just I kind of like this one and so I’m sticking to it. Feel free to run with it and make it healthier, but I’m not going to eat it. 😛