Mushroom and chickpea soup 🍄 🥣

This soup didn’t actually start off as soup. I’d thrown a ton of stuff in my slow cooker the night before, and after realising how good it tasted I thought I’d turn the rest into the aforementioned soup.

It’s cooled right down after that fucking horrible heatwave, so now I can use my slow cooker to create soup experiments to my heart’s content.

Shit you’ll need:

  • A punnet of mushrooms, sliced (300g).
  • A can of chickpeas (400g).
  • 1tsp rosemary.
  • 1tsp basil purée or dried basil.
  • 1tsp salt.
  • 1 vegetable stock cube.
  • 2tsp cracked black pepper.
  • 2tblspns pesto.
  • 1tblsp lime juice.
  • 1tsp garlic purée or powdered garlic.
  • 1tblsp mushroom ketchup.
  • 100g of butter, or equivalent.
  • 1 pint of water.

All you do – is dump the lot into a slow cooker, give it a stir, and let it do its thing on the ‘auto’ setting for a couple of hours. Now, before putting the leftovers of this into the blender for soup, I had the first half with some steamed rice. I don’t have a photo of that, because I was HANGRY, and I was too busy shoving it in me gob. Here’s what it looked like after I whizzed the fuck out of in my blender for two minutes:

Whizzed.

Yes I KNOW it LOOKS like explosive baby poo, but it tastes bloody fantastic I promise you. I put it back in the slow cooker and let it heat up for an hour.

I also roasted some chopped vegetables sprayed with olive oil in the oven to go with it, so here is my obligatory fancy photo with the veg:

FANCY.

You can serve it with whatever you like obviously.

Sometimes you have to cheat a little: vanilla and Nutella cake 🍰🎂

I’m not gonna lie – I’m battling some painful shit right now. Trapped nerve in my shoulder which has fucked my arm up royally, perimenopause which is…’interesting’ to say the least, on top of which I’m living with the wonder that is fibromyalgia, most likely the result of the complex-post-traumatic-stress-disorder I live with. Yes, I realise that sounds depressing as fuck, but I was done with dressing things up for appearances sake a long time ago. Life is too REAL for that.

I decided around 03:00AM that I wanted–no–needed a cake of some description. Unfortunately, my brainmeats really didn’t want to mess around with weighing out the ingredients, especially since the trapped nerve I mentioned earlier has been responsible for me dropping things more than usual. So what do you do when you want a cake, and you don’t want to fuck about with weighing all the shit out?

You cheat a bit.

Yeah I cheated, so fucking what?

89p in an order I made a while ago knowing that I’d definitely use it, so much so that I bought two. Yes, you have to add a few ingredients to make it work, but I didn’t have to weigh anything out. I threw in a little vanilla extract. I added the amount of Nutella in the middle that I thought my pained and hormonal body needed.

The fruits of my hormonal labour..

No, this is not a perfect Instagram photo that makes everyone go “OooOooOooOoooo I NEEEED TO EAT THAT!” It’s a smart phone photo with flash because that’s what I had at the time.

When I finally sank my teeth into it, it was soft, warm, fluffy, and absolutely fucking gorgeous.

Sometimes you have to cheat.

Zoflora Kitchen Wipes

Shit you’ll need:

  • One roll of Regina Blitz.
  • A lidded plastic tub.
  • Tap water.
  • Yer chosen Zoflora scent.
  • Scissors.

I thought I’d share this alternative to making wipes – this is not to say it’s better, it’s simply another method. If you’re wondering what the alternative IS, well basically folks have been adding Zoflora to cheap baby wipes which I’ve not tried personally, because this write up is how I’ve been doing it.

Regina Blitz is massssiiiive sheet wise. I love the stuff and use it to make these wipes and also face wipes. Make a pile of RB, cutting each piece in half and stacking it in your plastic tub. Add ONE CAPFUL of Zoflora to roughly half a pint of water. Add it slowly so the wipes are at optimum saturation – you might use a bit less or a bit more depending on how big your pile is. RB is perfect for this because it’s very very strong, and the pieces are much larger than typical kitchen paper.

If you use a full roll of RB, you will get an absolute shitload of wipes because it will go really far. Keep the lid on your tub to make sure they don’t dry out obviously.

That’s yer lot. You can use this method to create any type of wipe – face or baby wipes using appropriate ingredients, multi surface cleaner wipes etc. A splash of neat Flash in the water instead of Zoflora works. DO NOT MIX THEM. You don’t want to accidentally melt your lungs out creating chemical fumes. Yes folks will say that they have been doing it for a while with no issue – but the fact is that chemical toxicity can build over time, and before you know it, you’re wheezing like a forty-year-chain-smoker after attempting to run to the offy before closing time for a packet of cigs.

3AM Cornbread Muffins 🍯

I’ve been up to my nightbreed baking bollocks again. This time I really, REALLY wanted cornbread muffins. I can’t help what my batshit head decided in the smaller hours of the night, I just listen to it.

I followed this recipe, but because I’m slightly awkward, I used egg replacer, and oat milk. This isn’t because I’m vegan because I’m not. I eat eggs, but unless I’m making scrambled eggs or an omelette, I use a replacer. Why? Well, because it keeps for absolutely ages, and a small tub of the stuff is the equivalent of forty-five eggs. It’s economical. I also prefer oat milk and favour Oatly Barista because it’s seriously creamy.

This is a small batch recipe, and will yield six standard size muffins, but I used a mini muffin tray, so I got twelve.

A TINY SQUISHY WONDER

Shit you’ll need:

  • 1/2 cup of cornmeal. I used Dunn’s River fine cornmeal.
  • 1/2 cup of plain flour.
  • 1/2 tsp of baking powder or bicarb.
  • 1/4 sugar.
  • 1/2 tsp salt.
  • 1/2 cup of oat milk.
  • 1 tsp of egg replacer.
  • 2 tblsp of water.
  • 1/4 cup of melted butter, or oil.
  • 1 tblsp of honey.

I’ve added the list of things I actually put in which is almost the same as the original recipe from Meg Herbert. She clearly knows how to muffin. They were seriously soft, squishy, and beautifully moist.

I say were, cos I’ve scoffed the fucking lot. 😎

Mushroooooooms 🍄

🍄🍄🍄🍄🍄🍄

This is sadly not candlelight food. It’s my lightbulb-just went-as-I-was-taking-a-photo, food. I was presented with a large amount of chopped mushrooms, so I slow cooked them in garlic, salt, cracked black pepper, almond milk, and onions. Bloody lovely. (Fry’s chicken style strips were added later on). It turned out to be accidentally vegan.

For new readers – I’m not vegan and probably won’t ever be. I wholly admit my obsession with CHEESE, and I have tried many cheese alternatives that sadly don’t address my cravings. I am a cheese monster.

I’m having issues with chopping stuff at the moment (fucking stupid hands, honestly) so being given the shrooms already chopped was so helpful. There’s no real science to this combo, all I did was throw unmeasured ingredients in my slow cooker, and let them mingle in a low heat for a few hours. Slow cookers are a fucking miracle to folks like me.

EASHO – My new favourite household supply website 🛒

I shall preface this with the fact that I haven’t been asked to write this, and probably won’t get promotion for it because as we all know, I’m a foul mouthed gobshite, and as such, it’s unlikely such lovely brands will want be associated with me, but I will still love them regardless.

I definitely tend to buy things in bulk from online vendors when I can, because it means I don’t have to brave the wilds of meat-space shopping, plus it means I save money in the process. Easho are a company that sell things in bulk to the public at wholesale prices, without the need for a special card, or to provide proof of business dealings etc. You can log on, create an account and shop to your heart’s content – it’s fucking fantastic.

🤡 THEY ALSO STOCK ZOFLORA. 🤡

….if you as a vendor stock Zoflora at prices that aren’t extortionate to take advantage of folks like me and our lack of impulse control whilst buying it, then you will have a loyal following forever. Easho do in fact stock it at a really fucking good price, so I was totally sold. I contacted them via twitter recently to ask if they could get their hands on Method, and not soon after they did exactly that. Not ONLY that, but they stocked it at the equivalent of £1.87 for a bottle of 828ml Anti-bac all purpose cleaner, in batches of four. That currently costs £3 per bottle via Ocado, and a whopping £6.54 for the same via Amazon.

As you can imagine, the moment folks found out it was being sold at such a low price, it sold out pretty fucking quickly. I got myself a batch of anti bac, and a batch of all purpose cleaner. Not gonna lie, I was absurdly excited over buying bloody household cleaning items —what the galloping shitfuck is wrong with me?

(Don’t try and answer that, the list is loooooooong).

My order was dispatched within two days. You get free delivery for orders over £55, but your first order is free at checkout if you apply the discount code of ‘FREEDEL.’ Nice sweetener there.

A big thing for me when I order online, is how well something is packaged, and what it’s packaged with. It arrived in a box marked ‘fragile’, and ‘this way up’, although that’s not evident from this photo.

It’s a box mate.

Opening the box I was greeted with this:

EXCELLENT.

I am big fan of recycled packaging.

Andrea knows how to pack the shit out of things.

SCORE! Got some freebies too, one of which I bastardised by throwing in my coffee shortly after.

Trigger spray bottles are notorious for firing off in transit. To prevent this, each bottle was topped with bubble wrap, and rice based packing peanuts were pushed under the triggers for further protection, not pictured here because I was too excited and unwrapped them really quickly. Sorry.

The Zoflora in the featured photo is from an assorted box; linen fresh, twilight garden, tropical twist, and paradise peach were the scents I received. They came boxed, it’s just I’m a filthy heathen and mercilessly stripped them off.

Zoflora in this household is NAKED.

I’ve had a few bad experiences recently with online shops – both online pound shops that do offer good bargains, BUT fail hard when it comes to packing and customer service. Dented boxes turning up way beyond promised delivery windows which shows a poor taste in couriers, and time management, along with such bad packing that items were crushed, burst, and destroyed. Getting responses from customer service for refunds and general enquiries took far too long.

For people who aren’t able to just nip out to a pound shop, these things would be helpful, IF they were properly managed.

Every enquiry I’ve ever made with Easho has been answered in quick time, and has been polite and extremely helpful. They are bloody marvellous, and now my entire flat smells of rhubarb and pink grapefruit, to the point where I’m seriously considering buying some custard to lick off the walls.

FIVE FUCKING STARS FOLKS.