Chocolate Protein Balls 🍫

They are very nice and I know that because I have just shoved two of them in me gob. They are much nicer and cheaper to make than the tiny squares of pre made protein bars you find in supermarkets that are about a square inch in total. Fucking robbing gits.

Yes the balls are touching and I put them like that on purpose because I’m mentally twelve years old.

Shit you’ll need:

  • 250g pitted dates.
  • 15g chia seeds.
  • 3tblspns crunchy peanut butter.
  • 100g chocolate drops.
  • 1tsp vanilla essence.
  • 1tblspn cocoa.

Put your dates in a blender. Whizz the fuck out of them for a bit, and then add your peanut butter. Add the rest of your ingredients, stopping the blender to give it all a good squish about so you don’t get uneven lumps of ingredients in one area.

When it’s all combined to a stiff mixture, scoop it out and roll into balls using your hands. Shove in the fridge for a couple of hours before you scoff them. Don’t eat them all at once though otherwise you might be sick. Yields about eight depending on how big you like your balls.

Chewy Peanut Butter Choc Chip Cookies 🍪

This is a very peanut butter heavy affair. The result is a peanutty chewy glory.

Shit you’ll need:

  • 227g of peanut butter. Smooth or crunchy is fine. Mine are made with crunchy in this instance.
  • 198g of sweetened condensed milk.
  • 1 egg.
  • 4tsp of cornflour, heaped.
  • 100g chocolate chips. I used milk ones.

Piss easy to make. Combine all your ingredients in a bowl, you will get a stiff but sticky batter rather than a dough. Spoon onto a baking tray leaving plenty of room between each, as they spread a bit. Bake for fifteen minutes in the middle of your oven on a medium heat.

Yields twelve, but it’s better to make them in two batches of six because of the spreading. These were a total experiment, I wanted to see if the ingredients would work, and well you can see they did. It makes a light but chewy cookie. The condensed milk negates the need for extra sugar. The cornflour keeps things from getting too heavy with the amount of peanut butter used.

Stuff in yer gob as desired. Belch in appreciation, and REJOICE.



It is finally ready for release into the wilds.


This is the collection of soups I made during the month of November 2018, most likely at 3am in the morning during one of my mad kitchen experiments. It will cost you the princely sum of £4, and 50% of each sale will go to a children’s breakfast charity that helps provide breakfast to children who might not ordinarily get any. 

If you choose to buy this E-book collection, you will be helping schools give hungry children some breakfast, and you will also be supporting me, your sweary kitchen experiment weirdo, and I’m definitely not rich! The amount of children going to school with empty stomachs is staggering, our economic crisis means families are suffering poverty, and can barely afford to feed themselves. Please consider buying a copy, and it would also be lovely if you could share this too. BE AWARE THAT THIS BOOK DOES INDEED CONTAIN ADULT LANGUAGE AND PROFANITY, along with my very ridiculous sense of humour. You have been warned! 😉

I have made sure that the collection is accessible. It is available in standard .doc and .pdf formats, along with a format in large text for people who live with partial sight, or full blindness. I have also created a format suited to people with dyslexia, and a format with no images for people who need to use screen readers. You will receive ALL the formats with your purchase, so you can decide which format is best suited to you.

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Please make sure you include your email address when you purchase, so I can forward the collection to you. You will receive your copy via email within twenty-four hours of purchase. 



I made fruit infused vodka and now I am a bit trollied. 🥴


There are tons of tutorials online for this stuff, after reading a few and deciding what to use, this is what I went with:

  • 500ml vodka.
  • 250g frozen forest fruits.
  • 130g granulated sugar.

You’ll also need a jar or canister that carries about a litre of liquid. Make sure you sterilise it first otherwise nasties will form.

If you were using fresh fruit, you’d need to prick the berries first, but frozen ones don’t need that. Shove them in your canister or jar, and add the sugar. Mash them together thoroughly, and pour your vodka on top. Add your lid or seal the canister, and shake the ever living fuck out of it. The sugar will settle at the bottom initially.

Store in a dark cupboard for seven days, shaking it every day to help the sugar dissolve. After seven days, strain it, and pour into sterilised bottles or jars. Discard the fruit entirely.

Bottled booze in a cluttered corner.

It will blow your head off.

“Hey Hun!”

I co-wrote a piece regarding the dangers of MLM schemes – go see go see! You also need to follow The Secret Cleaner, as she is a fantastic science person who works very hard to show people how not to accidentally poison themselves with cleaning products.

The Secret Cleaner

co-written with Alex Grey @kitchenfuckery

I would like to offer you an exciting

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What if I told you that I have made enough money  💰 to stay at home with my children 👶🏻 by doing this very job?  
Let me show you a photo of the amazing car 🚗 that my friend earned as a reward for being a top seller in our team.  She only started a couple of months ago. 💯 💯

If you are a little wary, you should be. I’m trying to recruit you to an MLM scheme.

MLM stands for Multi-level marketing. They’re the modern version of a pyramid scheme, also…

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Thirty Days of Soup

I am in the midst of editing my soup recipes and collating them into a pdf, along with two other formats for accessibility. Today I sorted the cover out:

I know it’s not overly exciting, but I’m rather pleased.